


As a forgotten continent

by ca_te



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Big Bang Challenge, Community: paperlegends, F/M, Future Fic, Incest, M/M, Reincarnation, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-21
Updated: 2011-08-21
Packaged: 2017-10-22 21:57:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/242992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Destiny sometimes plays tricks...Merlin and Arthur are born again as brothers. They have been strongly connected since when they were kids, but at a certain point, when they both are teens, something shifts in the balance of their relationship. How will they cope with it? And what will happen when Merlin starts to understand that the recurrent dreams that he has been having since when he was a child are something more than simple dreams? Will they manage to truly find each other in this new lifetime?</p>
            </blockquote>





	As a forgotten continent

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the paperlegends Big Bang Challenge over at Lj.
> 
> For the title I took inspiration from an Italian song "La canzone che scrivo per te" ("The song that I write for you") by Marlene Kuntz. The quote under the signature of Arthur's emails is from the song "Call to arms" by 30 Seconds to Mars while Merlin's tattoo is a sentence taken from "Extremely lound and incredibly close" by J. Safran-Foer.  
> I'd like to thank reya_wakayama for being my beta. I'd also like to thank zafra for being my "alpha" reader, icequeenrex and to my sister for having supported me through this and the community cheer_me_on and all my friends there because  
> without them all of this wouldn't have been possible. A special thank you goes to madnessisreal for having decided to be by  
> artist and for the awesome work that she has done (go check her art here: http://madnessisreal.livejournal.com/26088.html) <3  
> Finally a thank you to the_muppet for all the mod-work and for having made this possible!

**The past….**

 

 _You’re exactly where you wanna be_

 _There is no room for streams of tears_

 _The sun is shining down, the clouds have cleared_

 _Could you be the one for me_

 _Could you be the one- Stereophonics_

 **Part 1**

 

Chapter 1- Of when Merlin was born and of his first steps

 

He has always been there. It isn’t something that Merlin ever thought to question.

 

He was there when Merlin was born. He wasn’t even tall enough to reach the bed where their mother was lying, holding Merlin close to her chest. Of course Merlin couldn’t remember it; he had been born just few hours before. But their mother had told that story so many times. Arthur had been only one year old and yet he had insisted for their father to bring him to the hospital because he wanted to meet his little brother. He had stood there, on his toes, trying to reach out to pat Merlin’s head. Hunith had told him that Merlin was still too small and that he shouldn’t touch him too much. Arthur had pouted but had obeyed.

From then on Arthur had always been his big brother. Since he was too small to reach the handle of the pushchair and yet insisted to push Merlin around.

 

///

 

What **Arthur** remembers of that day when he first met his little brother Merlin is the yellowy light of the room and the spot of black hair against his mum’s chest. He had felt the urge to touch it, to find out if it was alive, if it was warm and soft or the opposite. The small thing in his mum’s arms had turned his face and Arthur had blinked and then grinned. He had liked that blue. He liked his new brother.

 

///

 

When **Merlin** had begun to talk, Arthur had been his first word. Not “mum”, or “dad”, it had been Arthur. It had simply rolled over his little tongue and Arthur had clapped his hands in delight.

He had been two years old back then, and yet he had gone around bragging about how his name had been the first word that Merlin had said. Their parents had smiled over their kids’ heads. They had thought it was weird that Merlin could be so different from their friends’ sons, but they had pushed that thought aside, happy that their sons were so close since the beginning, as brothers were supposed to be.

 

When Merlin was still too small to be dragged around and still hadn’t started to walk Arthur would spend hours watching him, as he was sitting inside his playpen. Once Hunith had walked into the living room and had smiled at the sight of Arthur sitting on the carpet, one hand pressed against the net of the playpen and Merlin doing exactly the same. Merlin had tried to slip his fingers through the net and when he had realised that he couldn’t he had started to cry. Hunith had walked over and had lifted him up, putting him down beside Arthur on the carpet.

Merlin had sniffed and stopped crying. Arthur had smiled, his few teeth shining white against the pink of his lips and Merlin had laughed before trying to pull at Arthur’s blond hair. Hunith had felt something warm in her chest at the thought that she had helped those two little creatures to enter the world and that she had managed to make it possible for them to never be alone, because they would always have each other.

 

*

 

When Merlin had started to walk Arthur had been always by his side, holding his little hand. When Merlin had risked to trip and fall he had always tried to catch him, shielding him with his still small body.

When Merlin had managed to walk from the sofa to the door of the living room by himself for the first time Arthur had been by his side. He had hugged Merlin, who had just laughed back, mumbling a string of “Arthur, Arthur I mae i” (“Arthur, Arthur I made it” ).

 

When Merlin had been firmer on his legs Hunith had let the two of them go out in the small garden when the weather would allow it. Merlin was fascinated by the grass and by the insects, especially the ants. He would spend hours just sitting in the middle of the lawn looking at them moving around. Arthur would run around following a ball and when he was tired he would seat beside his brother. Merlin always leaned into Arthur. He had started to associate his brother with warmth and security, the same feeling which he associated with his mum and his dad.

 

Arthur was the first thing that Merlin saw in the morning when he opened his eyes every day. They shared the same room and slept in two beds facing each other. Merlin hated the bars which surrounded his bed; because of them he couldn’t reach out and hold Arthur’s hand. But Arthur was there anyway and Merlin grew up not fearing the darkness because he could hear his brother’s breath as he slept.

 

*

 

When Hunith started to teach Arthur how to read Merlin was only three years old but he was there with Arthur and they learned together. One day they opened their father’s newspapers on the floor of the living room and spent the afternoon trying to decipher the words, head against head, black and gold; blue and azure eyes focused on the letters.

 

They spent all their days together, as if one was the continuation of the other. When Hunith told Arthur that he had to start going to kindergarten it was a shock for both of them.

On the first day Merlin cried and Arthur clung to him as if he was a lifeline. Their dad had to lift him up to carry him outside.

At first, Merlin cried so hard that Hunith didn’t know what to do. She tried with Disney cartoons, with puzzles, but Merlin would just cry and call Arthur’s name in between the sobs. It was hard for him not to know what Arthur was doing or where he was. They had always shared the same space, the same time and now it felt emptier and somehow scarier.

At a certain point during the morning, though, Merlin stopped crying and simply sat on the sofa near the window waiting for his dad’s car to pull into the drive way and for Arthur to arrive.

When lunch time came Merlin didn’t want to eat. Hunith patted his hair telling him that Arthur would come back soon and that he would be upset if he knew that Merlin hadn’t eaten anything. Merlin gulped down all the thin soup that his mother gave him.

When he heard the sound of the breaks outside he tried to jump off the chair and almost fell face flat on the floor. Hunith laughed and lifted him up. Merlin ran towards the door. When Hunith turned the knob Arthur was there, his azure eyes shining slightly in the afternoon light. Before Merlin could move he found himself pressed against Arthur’s small chest. He felt something wet against his cheek. Arthur was crying, his sobs reverberating through Merlin’s ribcage. Their parents tried to make them understand that Arthur going to kindergarten wasn’t something horrible, that the next year Merlin could go there too. Arthur shuffled towards their room and Merlin followed. Arthur sat on his bed and pulled Merlin’s arm to make him move closer.

Merlin looked at him, shifting closer until their foreheads were touching, as if that way he could sense Arthur’s thoughts. He remained silent, waiting for his older brother to speak.

 

“I don’t want to go there if Merlin is not with me.”

 

Merlin was too small to understand that the bubble growing between his small lungs was relief. He simply nodded and took hold of Arthur’s hand. He didn’t want to let it go. They spent the rest of the afternoon simply holding hands watching a cartoon.

 

The morning after, they were sitting at the kitchen’s table drinking their milk when Merlin had looked straight at his parents.

 

“I want to go with Arthur.”

 

Arthur looked at him and smiled. Hunith tried to make him understand that he just had to wait another year, but Merlin shook his head firmly.

 

“I want to stay with him, mummy!”

 

And that was it. That day their dad brought the both of them to the kindergarten and asked the teachers if they could do an exception. Like that, after having realised how painful it was to be apart, they were back to share every minute of their day with each other.

 

Arthur had had a strong nature since the beginning. He was determined to get the toys that he wanted and to play following his rules and Merlin simply had to catch up with that. Arthur used to plan their games to the tiniest detail and Merlin listened, his head full of ink-black hair tilted to the side. He followed Arthur directions and was happy to see Arthur smile.

 

 

Chapter 2- Of tales and shared dreams

 

When Arthur was in his first year of elementary school Merlin was strong enough to be left behind in kindergarten. Over the years he had become sure that Arthur would always be his brother, he would never go anywhere even if they were going to be in different classes or different places. 

But on his first day of elementary school his heart undeniably made a flip at the thought that he could share the break with Arthur, that they would be in the same building once again, few steps away from each other. It made everything brighter, it made everything safer. It was good to walk back home with Arthur talking about how he had scored a goal during his PE lesson or about the prank which him and his friends had prepared for one of his classmates.

 

Merlin had grown up to be a quiet child. He was all big blue eyes and fantasies. He loved to read and often spent hours immersed in fantasy books. The more he read the more he wanted to be part of the worlds described in his books. He dreamt of being an elf or a wizard and to travel across unknown lands with Arthur by his side. Arthur would certainly be a knight, in shiny armour and everything, and he would always be there to save Merlin from the perils he would meet along the path.

Indeed Arthur truly saved him from the bullies at school. Merlin had been seen as a good victim since the beginning, him being so quiet and always with his head lost somewhere in the clouds.

 

Merlin hadn’t bounded much with his classmates, except for Will, a quiet kid who seemed to be fascinated with him. Peter and his gang in particular had never liked him since the beginning; they had called him names, telling him that he was weird. Merlin wouldn’t answer. He didn’t care. He had Arthur, and Will and that was enough. After a while, seeing that he didn’t react they had started to push him and eventually hit him.

Once they had made him trip and he had split his lower lip. Merlin had hidden in the bathrooms, trying not to sob too much. Arthur had known exactly where to look for him. He had knelt on the bathroom’s floor to look under the doors and when he had found the right one he had knocked gently.

 

“Merlin it’s me. Open the door.”

 

When Merlin opened the door Arthur had taken in breath. Merlin could read the anger and the worry in his azure eyes as if he was reading a book. Arthur had taken his hand and pulled him towards the sink. In silence he had wiped the blood from Merlin’s chin. Then when he had finished he had cupped Merlin’s face and looked straight into his eyes.

 

“When something like this happens, you come to me. I’ll defend you.”

 

Merlin had simply nodded, in the end he had known since the beginning that Arthur would have made a good knight in shiny armour.

 

Once, when Merlin was in his third year, he was sitting on a stone bench, hidden inside a coat which was too big for him, reading a book. He was so engulfed in what he was reading that he didn’t see Peter and his gang as they crossed the yard heading towards him. One of them pulled the book out of his hands and Merlin blinked, lifting his gaze. As one of them pulled him up he squeezed his eyes shut waiting to be hit, but nothing came. He slowly opened his eyes to see Arthur standing between him and Peter, his arms opened wide. It made Merlin think about a shield.

 

“You’re not going to beat my brother anymore.”

 

Peter had smirked.

 

“Or? What are you going to do?”

 

Merlin swallowed dryly as he watched Arthur push Peter to the ground with no effort. If Merlin was calm and loved reading, Arthur had grown up loving sports and generally being a small leader. He was only nine years old and half of the kids at school admired him and wanted to be his friends. At first Merlin had been a bit jealous but then he had understood that he had a special place in Arthur’s heart, a place which no one else could have.

 

*

 

When Arthur was with Merlin, he was calmer and more silent. When they went to bed he often asked Merlin to tell him stories. Merlin was good at it and loved to surprise Arthur. He would build worlds and adventures in the quiet darkness of their room and would go on talking until he could hear Arthur’s breathing become heavier. Then he would whisper a “good night, Arthur” and fell asleep.

Merlin dreamed a lot and often they were recurrent dreams. He dreamt of two boys, who looked like he and Arthur might become when they would grow up. They lived in some sort of castle and they would go on adventures together. In his dreams he was a wizard and Arthur was a prince. But they weren’t brothers. He didn’t talk about his dreams, he always said everything to Arthur, but something in his mind told him to keep that for himself.

 

*

 

Growing up Merlin had slowly realised that he needed to be stronger, to be someone on whom his brother could rely on. He couldn’t be Arthur’s shadow, nor some sort of continuation of Arthur’s body. They were two, and that was their strength.

He had slowly started to build a small space for himself, for these thoughts, for the stories which he had started to write and for his weird dreams. At first Arthur had been hurt, because he didn’t understand why Merlin should put distance between them. He had sulked and hadn’t talked to Merlin for days.

It was hard for Merlin to resist the urge to tell Arthur that he was sorry; he was truly convinced that this was something that they had to do, to be stronger, and to face the world as equals.

 

It was Arthur who gave in in the end. He had just come back from soccer practice; Merlin was sitting at his desk working on his math’s homework. He didn’t lift his gaze, he didn’t want to start another fight, it hurt too much not to be able to communicate with Arthur, and it made him feel alone. Arthur had closed the door and dropped his sack. He had leaned over Merlin and had hugged him. Merlin felt his eyes grow wide and let go of the pencil he had been holding. Arthur’s hair was still wet from the shower as he pressed his cheek against Merlin’s.

 

“I don’t want to fight with you, Merlin. If it’s space that you need, it’s alright…but please don’t leave me behind.”

 

It was weird to hear Arthur, who always looked so sure of himself, asking something like that. Merlin stifled a laugh.

 

“What?”

 

“You’re an idiot!”

 

And Merlin squeezed Arthur’s arm and leaned slightly against him. There was no need to add anything more.

 

Like that Merlin and Arthur kept growing up, more balanced than before and still so close to each other that often their friends called them “the inseparable brothers”. They laughed at that, but under their laughs there was the joy to have each other.

 

*

 

Merlin kept having his dreams and went on keeping them for himself until one day something unusual happened. He was more or less thirteen at the time.

 

He dreamt about a big battle. There was blood everywhere, and smoke and corpses. He was looking for someone but he didn’t know whom. He ran around the camp, blood rushing in his ears, feeling despair growing fast inside his chest, blooming as a flower. He spotted a flash of gold among the smoke and the screams and ran in that direction. Then he suddenly woke up. He took deep gulps of air, trying to remind himself that he was in his room and that Arthur was there. He turned and looked at his brother’s sleeping form. He felt his heart calm down a little. He couldn’t sleep well for the rest of the night.

The morning after he kept his eyes glued to the Rice Krispies which were sinking into his mug. Arthur nudged him with his elbow and Merlin huffed before lifting his gaze.

 

“What now, Arthur?”

 

Arthur pulled a face and Merlin couldn’t suppress a snort of laughter.

 

“Are you alright? You’ve got a terrible face!”

 

Merlin tried to push back the memory of the fear and the desperation which he had felt in the dream.

 

“Yeah…I just had a bad dream.”

 

Arthur quirked a blond eyebrow.

 

“Me, too! It was crazy, like I was in the middle of this battle and there was smoke everywhere and I was fighting against someone and I was terrified that someone could die, I didn’t get whom, though, and then there was a voice calling me. That’s weird, uh?”

 

Merlin opened and closed his mouth. It couldn’t be possible; he and Arthur had had the same dream. He chewed at his lower lip.

 

“What?”

 

Merlin leaned torward his brother over the mugs.

 

“I had the same dream as you, Arthur.”

 

Arthur blinked.

 

“Wait, really?”

 

Merlin simply nodded.

 

“Oh, well but that’s amazing!”

 

Arthur’s hand was warm on Merlin’s shoulder. Merlin flashed him a smile thinking that more than amazing it was weird, but somehow it made him feel happy to know that they were so tied that they could share the same dreams.

 

 **Part 2**

 

Chapter 3- Of their lips and their hands

 

When he turned fifteen **Arthur** started to be aware of his own body, of the way it was changing. He slowly started to learn how he could touch himself, and it was weird at first, because he felt as if that was something which he should keep hidden.

Sometimes when he looked at Merlin’s clear eyes and innocent features he felt ashamed of his impulses, of the desire which built inside himself. He still even didn’t know well what he longed for. Of course, he knew how things worked. His friends had started talking about girls and stuff, and if at the beginning Arthur had been more focused on soccer and on having fun, then he had eventually been caught into it too. He had started to wonder how it would be, how it would feel. It was a thought that lingered at the back of his mind. So when Amy Jones, the cutest girl of the class, asked him if he would like to be her boyfriend he simply shrugged and said yes.

 

It was weird, the dynamics of her lips, of her hands in his hair, the way she talked and talked and wanted to do everything together. Arthur was not used to it, having someone who wanted to get closer to him that way, who pushed and pushed, asking for his attention and affection. Someone who wanted to hug him and to hold his hand while walking at the park. He had never let anyone touch him like that, except for Merlin. Of course they didn’t kiss like that, with lips and tongues and hands. That would be weird, they were brothers. But Merlin had been the only one who had hugged Arthur and held his hand without the need to ask for permission, without a word. The contact between them was natural, as natural as breathing or laughing.

 

When Arthur had had to tell Merlin about Amy he had been worried. He couldn’t even understand why, maybe he was afraid that Merlin would dislike him for that, because he had let someone else get close to him. They were in the garden sitting on the backdoor steps drinking Coke when Arthur had summed up the courage.

 

“So…I’m seeing this girl, Amy, she’s in my class.”

 

Merlin didn’t look at him; he kept looking at the clouds shifting slowly in the sky up above.

 

“Yeah…I figured. I saw the two of you during the break some days ago.”

 

Arthur took a sip of Coke trying to put his thoughts into order.

 

“And why didn’t you tell me anything?”

 

Merlin lowered his eyes and their gazes met.

 

“I was waiting for you to tell me. It took you quite some time.”

 

And Arthur wanted to say that he was sorry, that he had hated spending less time listening to music with Merlin or playing video games or simply talking about their plans for the future or reading Merlin’s short stories. Instead he shrugged. He hadn’t realised that he had become so guarded when it came to Merlin. He never had been, and apparently there wasn’t a reason for it, right?

 

The following days he found himself looking at Merlin, wondering when he had grown taller, when his skin had become so white. It was as if he had missed something. He didn’t know why Merlin had come to love indie-rock music, if it was because of Will or because he had simply stumbled into it in some music shop. He realised that he hadn’t thought about where his brother spent his afternoons when he wasn’t rehearsing with the school theatre lab.

The realisation hit him as a punch in the stomach. Somewhere along the path he had simply let it slip, somewhere between his soccer practice and his nights at Leon’s house watching movies and trying to smoke their first cigarettes and couching his lungs out. And then he realised why he had been afraid of telling Merlin about Amy, it had been because even if he still hadn’t been aware of it, something  inside him had already sensed the distance. It made him feel off axis and it made him unsure of what to do.

 

From then on he spent most of the time thinking about how and why it had happened, thinking about how much he missed it, the proximity, the complicity, the feeling of Merlin’s arms around him, the jokes that they shared.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** watched it happen without saying a word. It was how things were supposed to be, right? For Arthur to have his own life, and friends, and love even. Then why did it feel so incredibly wrong? Maybe it was Merlin himself who was wrong. Because he didn’t feel the need for someone, he didn’t feel as if it was necessary to let someone else so close to him. He figured that probably Arthur had grown up faster.

 

Sometimes he would watch him from the corner of his eye when Arthur was studying, chewing at the top of his pencil as he used to do also when he was a kid. He had become more defined somehow, his jaw more firm, his features more strong. Sometimes he thought that Arthur was truly beautiful, as the knights in his stories were.

It confused Merlin as hell, the feeling of being pulled towards Arthur even if there was a wall slowly building up between them. He tried to focus on the theatre lab which he had taken up on his first year of high school.

 

He liked to play, to become someone completely different, to feel emotions which weren’t his. He spent most of his time with Will and with a strange and quiet girl named Morgana. He had met her on the first day of the lab. She had been standing in a corner, dark and long hair falling over her shoulders. She had looked like a queen, that had been Merlin’s first, silly thought. The director had asked them to do an exercise together and that was how they met. She was quiet most of the time but Merlin soon discovered that she had quite a tough character. She was the one who introduced him to the love for music and for Japanese literature. Thinking about it she was one of the people who shaped him the most, along with Will, and Arthur.

 

Sometimes Merlin wandered if what made Arthur back away was how different they were becoming. But Merlin didn’t see it as an obstacle between them, indeed it was something good, something which could make their bond richer, but Arthur was never there to share his life. And even if he hurt a bit on the inside he simply had to accept it. Arthur had made it clear when he simply shrugged the day that he told Merlin about Amy, as if it was something unimportant, irrelevant. As if Merlin hadn’t the right to know.

 

*

 

One day Arthur came to him telling that he had split up with Amy, because she was too insistent and well he just didn’t feel like it anymore.

From then on Arthur had tried to go back to where they had been, step by step, accompanying him to the music store, on his evenings out with Will and Morgana, even to the library! But still Merlin felt too vulnerable, it was so good and weirdly overwhelming to have Arthur back, to have him talk to him, joke with him, hug him, that it all made him more scared that Arthur could leave again, probably _would_ leave again.

 

It was how life was, right? He was Arthur’s brother, not his soul mate, he shouldn’t pretend, he couldn’t pretend to be always by Arthur’s side, sharing everything. It was not sane, he knew it. So he decided to keep his own space, he didn’t push Arthur away, he could never manage nor want to do that, but he was firm when it came to his personal space, to his personal time. Arthur accepted it, it was as if their relationship shifted always along the same up and downs, and Merlin often wondered if brothers usually were like the two of them.

 

It felt wrong to avoid touching Arthur too much, to spend too much time with him. Merlin closed up

into his books and his music again. He left his headphones in his ears most of the time, to block out the thoughts and he wrote, more than he had ever done.

His dreams came back more vivid that before and more frequent. Once he dreamt of an Arthur dressed in a chainmail drinking from a poisoned cup sacrificing himself for him. That night Merlin woke up with tears running down his face. He thought that maybe he was going insane, there was no way he could be so completely dependent on Arthur’s proximity. He couldn’t get hold of the end of the hank.

Then his heart shifted again around its axis and what Merlin realised left him completely breathless.

 

*

 

It was a warm summer day, Merlin’s fifteenth birthday had just passed. Their parents had sent Merlin and Arthur to their uncle Gaius’ house. It was a cottage near Dover. Gaius had moved there just some years before claiming that he couldn’t stand London anymore. When they were kids they had loved to spend part of their summer holidays there. They used to spend hours in the woods around the property, playing knights and dragons (Merlin often had to play the dragon), or swimming in the small stream which flowed on the east side of the estate. Only the year before they had spent weeks building kites and airplane models. But now everything was different.

 

They were silent during the train ride, Arthur kept answering to texts which probably his friends were sending him to say that he was an idiot to spend the summer lost in the countryside with his weirdo of a brother. Merlin found out that trying not to care was better.

He simply sat there, looking at the landscape running outside, songs by the Coldplay twirling in his ears one after the other. He hadn’t even realised that he had fallen asleep when he felt someone shaking him. He mumbled and opened his eyes. Arthur’s hand was on his shoulder and he was looking straight at him.

Merlin knew that it didn’t make any sense because they were brothers and Arthur had often looked straight at him, still there was something in his eyes. It was something which disappeared quickly and Merlin couldn’t quite catch it. He felt himself flush and quickly pushed himself up. He bit his lower lip; there was something wrong with him. He blamed it on his sleepiness and on the hot weather.

 

Gaius had come to pick them up at the train station. He had always had a soft spot for Merlin’s quietness and intelligence. They had always been tuned to each other, even if he was so much older than Merlin. Merlin was sure that he had sensed something by the way he quirked one white eyebrow as he and Arthur walked towards the car. He could sense it too, the way the energy between them was spinning in the wrong sense.

 

Over the years he had found himself sensitive to those kinds of things, energy between people and energy in the air. It was nothing more than a slight buzz along his veins, something similar to a shiver. It wasn’t much, but it was there, and Merlin didn’t know well what to do with it. Maybe he could talk with Gaius about it. He had so many books about aura and things like that.

Gaius had also a particularly soft point for Arthurian legends, and Merlin remembered having started to read some of the books in his uncle’s library the year before. He flashed a look in Arthur’s direction, maybe he could go back to that, considering that probably he wouldn’t spend much time together with his brother anyway.

 

During the car drive Gaius went on asking them how school was and how his sister was doing. Arthur remained silent most of the time while Merlin was more than happy to talk with the old man. There had always been something soothing and calming about him.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** was sitting in the back of the old car. He let his eyes slip over Merlin’s features. The sun splashing through the windscreen was caressing his brother’s cheekbones. Merlin’s skin seemed so white that it made Arthur think about the snow. And with the thought of the snow came memories of the time when it had snowed so much that London had seemed covered by a white blanket. He and Merlin had built a snowman in a corner of the garden. Merlin had insisted they use two rolls of liquorice as eyes.

Arthur passed a hand over his eyes, shielding away the light and Merlin’s face. Why was it that he seemed to be obsessed by the thought that Merlin was slipping away, his fingers slowly slipping between his own? He had to fix that, he had to think about something.

 

When Gaius stopped the car Arthur got off the car and took a deep breath. The air was far more fresh than it was in London. He thought that his friends were wrong saying that it was a waste of time to spend two weeks there. He lifted his arms over his head and stretched himself. He looked at Merlin who was taking his bag out of the boot, talking with Gaius about some book that he had read. He sighed, hoping that he could do something to get closer to his brother again. He felt as if he needed it more than anything.

 

It was when he was lying in his bed at night, staring at the darkness of the ceiling, that he had an idea. He would ask Merlin to take a walk, they could go to the stream where they used to play when they were kids, imagining to be pirates. Once there he would talk to him, with his heart in his hands. Arthur was proud, but he had to do it.

He shifted onto his side and looked at Merlin’s bed. He was lying, giving his back to Arthur. He wondered what his brother could be dreaming.

That night Arthur dreamt of being a king, with his own kingdom and his knights, and of Merlin, who was his sorcerer. Of Merlin, dressed in a long blue tunic, grinning at him and kissing him in front of a fireplace.

Arthur woke up with his heart stuck somewhere along his throat. The morning light was floating into the room and Merlin’s bed was already made. He pressed the heel of his hands against his eyelids, pressing hard as if it could make the memory of the dream go away. When he had calmed down a bit he pushed himself up and padded down the stairs towards the kitchen. He could hear the sound of Merlin’s quiet voice and smell the coffee which Gaius had prepared for them.

 

“Good morning, sleepyhead.”

 

Merlin looked at Gaius and grinned. Arthur looked at Merlin and felt something squeezing the muscle which his heart was. He sat down and took a sip of his coffee, grateful for the warmth that it spread inside his veins.

When Gaius had gone off to the other room and Merlin was absently playing with the grains of sugar fallen on the tablecloth Arthur looked up from his mug.

 

“So…we could go on a walk, what about that?”

 

He tried very hard not to sound as if he was pleading. Merlin lifted his gaze and Arthur could swear that there were both surprise and happiness into those blue irises which he knew as well as his pockets. He grinned.

 

“Deal?”

 

Merlin nodded.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** found himself incredibly happy at the thought. It was nothing different from what they had always done, but over the last few months, there had been such an awkwardness between them that to have Arthur asking him to go on a walk as simple as it was made him feel something bubbling inside of his chest. It made him think that they could make it right, whatever it was that had made them sail along different paths during the last period.

 

When they had changed they waved goodbye to Gaius who was working in his vegetable plot and headed towards the east side of the property. The sun was high over their heads and the sky, so open and azure, made Merlin think about a mirror.

 

“Doesn’t the sky today make you think about a mirror?”

 

Arthur turned towards him, a questioning look on his face.

 

“What?”

 

Merlin laughed at the dumb expression which his brother was wearing and pointed at the sky.

 

“The sky.”

 

Arthur tipped his head backwards and stared at the azure for a while. Merlin waited quietly by his side.

 

“It makes me think of those blue blankets which mum bought us when we were ten or something.”

 

Merlin smiled.

 

“Such a mum-boy you are!”

 

Arthur playfully punched his arm.

 

“Says who!”

 

Merlin laughed. It was good, it felt good.

 

When they entered the wood, the air suddenly became fresher and Merlin could clearly feel it again, the buzzing. It was as if he was on the verge of grasping something, something hidden in the plants and in the air, in his and Arthur’s bodies. But it slipped away, ran even, hiding from his touch again. He emerged from his thoughts when he almost tripped into Arthur who had stopped. He blinked and took in the stream with its clear waters murmuring in front of them.

 

“Do you remember how you used to suck at swimming?”

 

Merlin grinned, it was nice to have Arthur back as he used to be, still there was something off, the way his shoulders were tensed. Without thinking too much about it Merlin took hold of Arthur’s hand. He felt his cheeks grow hotter and the sound of Arthur’s sharp intake of air, but he didn’t let go. He kept his eyes focused on the water which flowed in front of them, as time flowed, as they flowed around each other.

 

“I’m sorry that it has been weird lately. That I’ve been weird. I don’t even know…”

 

He paused as Arthur shook his head. He waited for Arthur to say what he had to.

 

“It’s not your fault I…”

 

Merlin remained still as Arthur turned and looked at him. He found himself mesmerised by his brother’s eyes, even if he had known every shadow of them since when he could remember. He was barely aware of Arthur moving to close the space between them.

Then there were Arthur’s lips on his and the sensation of their softness drank up everything else, the light, the sound of the water. Merlin closed his eyes as something which felt as electricity surged from somewhere deep inside of him. He let his lips move on their own accord.

It was the first time that he had ever kissed someone on the lips and yet his body seemed to know exactly how to kiss Arthur, his hands seemed to know perfectly how to tangle into the warm gold of Arthur’s hair.

It felt right, it felt absolutely perfect. He shivered as he felt Arthur’s arms around his waist. He leaned against his brother and he had the weird sensation of having already felt it. It was absurd but it felt so true.

 

They broke for air and they stared at each other; their hands still feeling each other’s warmth. The minutes stretched in what seemed to be hours.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** looked at his younger brother. He felt breathless and as if someone had shaken him hard. Merlin was there, closer than he had ever been. They were so close that Arthur thought that they were breathing exactly the same air, that Merlin’s breath could enter his lungs. He swallowed. That hadn’t been what he had planned when he had thought to get closer to his brother again. Yet he hadn’t had to think twice before kissing him. And it hadn’t been as any other kiss he had given or received. It was…Arthur couldn’t find the right words. It had been as if his heart and his body had been both on autopilot. As if he had already known Merlin’s lips and tongue. As if Merlin’s fingers had always belonged in his hair.

He snapped out of his thoughts as Merlin let his hand slip over his cheek. It was warm and familiar.

 

“Merlin…”

 

They looked at each other and Arthur was sure that they were sharing the same feelings; the sensation of being on the edge of the known world with something bigger than them lying there.

He forced his tongue to work.

 

“Merlin, I…”

 

Merlin took a step back and Arthur felt some sort of panic twirling into his mind. He didn’t want to have space between them, not even the space of a step. He hugged Merlin in place. His mouth was brushing against Merlin’s left ear.

 

“Don’t…”

 

“Arthur…we…”

 

Arthur shifted again so that he could watch Merlin’s face. There was such a mix of worry and hope and God knew what on Merlin’s features that he had to let go.

He watched as his younger brother opened and closed his mouth.

 

“Arthur…that was…wasn’t…”

 

Arthur found that he didn’t want to hear, didn’t want to talk, he simply couldn’t. He shook his head gently and Merlin fell silent, as if he had read his mind.

 

“We should go back. Gaius will be waiting for lunch.”

 

Merlin nodded.

 

They walked in silence, the shadows of leaves slipping over them and over their confusion. The only thing that Arthur could hear was the beating of his heart. He didn’t know what to do, but he knew that his fingers were itching to close around Merlin’s. So he just reached out and took hold of Merlin’s hand. His heart fluttered as Merlin simply squeezed back.

Arthur thought that they were young, they were brothers, maybe things could remain like that, at least for a while.

 

 

 

Chapter 4- Of Arthurian legends, talks with Gaius and the brightness of the sea

 

For the rest of the day everything seemed to have gone back to normal. Gaius had smiled at them as they had come back, but **Merlin** had had the sensation of him looking at them from the corner of his eye when he thought that they wouldn’t notice. He brushed it off thinking that maybe he was a bit paranoid.

 

The days passed slowly and he and Arthur didn’t talk about the kiss. Merlin, though, kept replaying it in his mind over and over, as if he couldn’t get enough and it was scary, scary as hell. But every time, when he thought that he couldn’t manage to think without his head and his heart exploding Arthur would do something oddly reassuring, like circling his shoulders with his arm as they were looking at the starry sky with Gaius babbling about constellations and nebulae. Or like stealing one of Merlin’s scones while they were drinking tea on the patio. It made Merlin feel as if time had made a turn on itself and they were kids again. It made him feel calmer.

 

One day Gaius had gone to buy groceries in town and Merlin was lying on the carpet in the living room, “The death of King Arthur” opened in front of him. He was chewing at his lower lip in concentration when Arthur had sat down by his side. The smell of soap filled Merlin’s nostrils. He blinked trying to push back the warmth that had started spreading in his stomach.

 

“Hey what are you reading?”

 

Merlin simply turned the book so that Arthur could read the title from the front cover. Arthur huffed.

 

“You’ve never gotten over your crush for fantasy books eh!”

 

Merlin glared playfully at him.

 

“This is not a fantasy book, Arthur.”

 

Arthur shrugged, passing a towel over his still damp hair.

 

“I’m sure you would like it too.”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

“Want to bet?”

 

That way Merlin started reading out loud with Arthur sprawled on the carpet, his head resting on the small of Merlin’s back.

 

///

 

When **Gaius** came back he peered into the living room and saw the two of them. Merlin’s voice was calm and steady, Arthur made some comment now and then and Merlin would simply tell him to be silent and listen.

Gaius felt something gnawing at his old heart. He padded over to the kitchen and as he was putting away the groceries he thought that it was almost painful to see the two of them trapped in the current lifetime as brothers. He had never thought it possible, and yet destiny seemed to have prepared for them one of the most difficult undertakings they had ever faced since the times of Albion.

 

 

///

 

 **Arthur** had claimed that he needed some fresh air and had gone for a walk. The light of the sunset was floating around Merlin as he sat on the patio reading. He lifted his gaze from the pages as Gaius sat beside him on the swing seat.

 

“I see that you like Arthurian legends, Merlin.”

 

Merlin smiled.

 

“I guess it was to be expected with my name, right?”

 

Gaius chuckled and Merlin thought that it seemed the sound of stones on a wooden floor.

 

“I find it extremely interesting how the Merlin and the Arthur of the legends were like two sides of the same coin.”

 

Gaius’ comment sank deep into Merlin and for a while he didn’t even know what to say. Then Gaius patted his shoulder as to make him understand that there wasn’t the need for him to say anything. It was like this between the two of them, as if they were able to sense each other’s aura. Merlin felt relief washing over him at the thought that he could have another topic of conversation, moving away from the legendary Arthur and Merlin relationship with each other. Talking about that made him feel naked, exposed, even if he didn’t know well why.

 

“Mmm, uncle, can I ask you something about aura?”

 

Gaius looked at him with a strange light into his eyes and Merlin felt somehow scrutinized. He swallowed.

 

“Of course, somehow I knew that sooner or later you would have asked me about it.”

 

Merlin titled his head to the side.

 

“Why is that?”

 

For an instant Gaius seemed to struggle to find the right words. It was weird to see him at a loss of words, but Merlin didn’t think too much about it.

 

“Because you had always had something special about you, I guess.”

 

Merlin smiled.

 

“Oh well I’m nothing special.”

 

“I beg to differ, Merlin. So what did you want to know?”

 

///

 

 **Arthur** came back when they sky was already dark and found Merlin and Gaius engulfed in some conversation about the energy of things. They greeted him and Arthur felt the urge to kiss Merlin again at the sight of the smile which Merlin flashed in his direction. It made him feel like the centre of the world. And maybe it wasn’t weird that Gaius could talk about powers of the mind and perception of the auras- whatever they were- with Merlin. His younger brother had always been his special kind of magic.

 

*

 

The days slipped by faster than he had expected, but he didn’t have the courage to talk to Merlin about their kiss, let alone kiss him again. But he couldn’t help to want the contact, it made him feel peaceful to feel Merlin’s bony shoulders or Merlin’s soft hair under his hand.

 

One night he dreamt of a long, white shore, of a table in the middle of the sand and of him and Merlin sitting at it, staring into each other’s eyes. When he woke up the morning after he had the strange desire to see the sea reflected into Merlin’s irises.

 

On their last day at Gaius’ house he asked Merlin if he would like to take the train and go to Church Hougham. Merlin simply said that he would love to see the sea at least once during the summer. And he said it with such longing in his voice, and Arthur knew how much Merlin loved water, that for an instant he had the desire to always be with Merlin, all their life, to bring him to the sea whenever he wanted.

 

The train was almost empty because it was a Monday afternoon. Merlin had put his headphones into his ears as soon as they were seated and Arthur had tapped on his shoulder. Merlin had pulled one headphone out.

 

“What?”

 

Arthur wanted to say that he should be the only thing Merlin could listen to, the only person that Merlin could kiss, but he definitely couldn’t.

 

“Don’t be selfish, share some love for music.”

 

Merlin grinned and offered him a headphone.

 

They got off the train and took a map. Merlin managed to get them lost twice before Arthur took the situation in his hands and they found themselves on a long promenade running along the shore.

 

“The sea seems a big blue mattress, don’t you think?”

 

Merlin laughed out loud and Arthur felt proud, because he had managed to make such a precious being as his brother laugh. He didn’t even know when he had started to consider Merlin precious, maybe it had been somewhere in between his readings and that kiss.

 

Arthur took a look around. No one knew who they were, no one there knew that they were brothers.

He slipped his fingers in between Merlin’s, feeling that that was where they belonged. Merlin looked at him, worried. Arthur simply pulled him along and they walked for a while, the wind caressing their faces and the sun splashing over them.

After a while they reached a small cafeteria. They sat down and had lunch. Merlin scribbled down some thoughts on his ruined Moleskin and Arthur just looked at him writing, hiding the overwhelming affection that he was feeling at the bottom of his mug of coffee and milk.

 

On their way back to the station he felt as if he had to do it. He took hold of Merlin’s wrist and made him spin around. He searched Merlin’s eyes as if to ask for permission. Merlin’s eyes were calm, the brightness of the water hit by the light had been caught in the disks of his irises. Arthur felt as if he was drowning into them and he did the only thing that made sense.

He kissed Merlin, for the second time. And he felt as if he could live only on that, simply feeling Merlin’s lips and Merlin’s heart beating against his palm. He felt no need for questions or answers.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** sat in the train which was bringing them back to London. Arthur was asleep at his side. He was sad to leave probably the only place where he could share that special kind of intimacy with Arthur. He knew that it was for the better, that it couldn’t do them anything good. Yet he knew that he had never felt so happy as when Arthur kissed him or held his hand. And somewhere inside of him he was sure that it was the same also for Arthur, he could see it in the lines at the corner of Arthur’s eyes when he smiled.

He sighed, not knowing what to expect from the future and let his fingertips brush lightly against the back of Arthur’s hand which had been resting on his right knee since the beginning of the journey.

 

 

 

 **Part 3**

Chapter 5- Of finding a way and losing it

When they went back to London Merlin felt that he didn’t want to let go of the fragile _thing_ that he and Arthur had found that day by the stream. He knew that it didn’t make sense, that they couldn’t have it at home, that they couldn’t have it where others knew them. But he also thought that they were still fifteen, it could be a phase (the thought made him cringe but well…) and he wanted to live it somehow. The way Arthur looked at him, the way he whispered him good night, leaving a chaste kiss at the corner of his mouth every night told him that it was the same also for his brother.

 

When he couldn’t stand any more to be trapped in their house, doing homework, to stay in a neighbourhood where everyone knew who they were, Merlin decided that he had to find a way.

Arthur was yawning over his mug when he entered the kitchen and sat down.

 

“I was thinking…would you like to go to the centre?”

 

Arthur had looked at him, a questioning look in his eyes.

 

“Well…I thought that maybe we could use some time for ourselves…”

 

Merlin hated feeling like a stupid girl asking a boy out, he shouldn’t feel like that. But maybe he had misread Arthur’s feelings; maybe he had disgusted him out, maybe…

Arthur leaned forward until their noses were brushing.

 

“Shhh, I can almost hear all the gears working in that head of yours! It’s alright, I…want to be a bit alone with you too…”

 

Merlin almost choked on his breath. Arthur smirked and kissed him. He smelled of milk and of Arthur.

 

The bus was crowded and they stood side by side, the line of their shared headphones dangling between them. Merlin loved London, the way it pulsed with life. They got off at Trafalgar Square. The place was full with people, Londoners and tourists. Merlin was glad to be among unknown people. When Arthur shyly brushed his hand against his own he simply took it. 

He had always loved fountains, the way the water always seemed clearer inside them.

 

“I think I’ve a soft point for fountains.”

 

Arthur had smirked.

 

“I shall remember that. Next time I’ve to convince you to do something I’ll just have to buy you one.”

 

Merlin laughed and the sound of it fell over the water.

 

“So it’s me who’ve taken you out so I decide were we go, right?”

 

Arthur faked a pout.

 

“Hey, we hadn’t agreed on that!”

 

Merlin simply grinned and pulled him up the stairs of the National Gallery, trying not to laugh at Arthur’s protests.

Once inside they strolled along the corridors and the halls. Merlin had started to love art since the first time his teacher had brought the class to the museum when he was still in elementary school. He had read some books, and he was totally in love with Vermeer. He talked to Arthur about the paintings he knew and Arthur listened. He made jokes of course (“Oh, that looks like Mr. Jenkins, the PE teacher I had in first grade!”) and Merlin had to stifle his laughs.

It felt nice to be sharing something he loved with someone whom he…well…loved; he supposed that was the right word. It struck him in front of the Arnolfini portrait. He truly wished to be Arthur’s one, the only one. The thought made his head spin.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

Merlin looked at Arthur and for the first time all that he could think was “God, I think I’m in love in you.”

 

“Y-Yeah.”

 

Arthur quirked an eyebrow, he knew Merlin too well, and Merlin was completely aware of that, still he couldn’t babble out what his traitor heart had discovered.

Once they were outside Arthur dragged him towards the fountain and made him sit. Merlin looked at him questioningly.

 

“You seemed weird before, I figured that maybe you were tired.”

 

Merlin felt as if someone was tugging at the front of his t-shirt and he simply followed that pull. Before he had even realized it, his arms were around Arthur’s neck. Arthur leaned in and kissed him. People wouldn’t know, but Merlin wished anyway that they could have born in another time, in another place. He wished that they weren’t brothers, because it made his heart hurt to know that he could never keep what made him happy. Arthur let a small moan roll from his mouth into Merlin’s. Merlin shivered and felt so light, lighter than he had ever been. He knew then that it would be hard to let go.

 

On the bus ride back home they were sitting at the back, Arthur’s hand on his, tracing lazy circles over his skin.

 

“Arthur…I…maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore…”

 

Merlin could feel his heart sinking deep at the sound of his own words.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** felt his eyes grow wide, and for the first time he thought that he had discovered what real pain was. He looked at Merlin, he had expected to find determination in his brother’s eyes, but all he saw was sadness. He had never wanted Merlin to be sad, since when they were kids and he would steal biscuits to make him laugh. There was no way he could impose his desire on him, not when he looked so broken.

Maybe he was right, maybe they hadn’t the right to live this strange thing that they had built. He let his hand slip away from Merlin’s.

A thought which didn’t seem to be his crossed his mind: “Maybe this is not the right time for us.”

He bit hard his lower lip, trying to convince himself that the sudden pressure that he felt behind his eyes weren’t tears.

 

Chapter 6- Of red leaves

 

Arthur tried to bury it all, deeper and deeper, because there was no way he could stand to look at Merlin knowing that he couldn’t reach out and kiss him as he desired to.

When school started again he made sure to be at home as little as possible. He plunged into soccer, into his friends. He started to sleep more often at Leon’s house. He thought about dating some girl, but he had to desist because he couldn’t stop comparing their lips to Merlin’s. No one was as interesting as him; no one made him laugh or made him feel happy like he had been able to do.

 

He started to have weird dreams again. Dreams where he had to fight armies, where Merlin was always by his side, all goofy smiles and shiny eyes.

Once he dreamt again of being a prince. He was in a big bedroom, stretched out on the bed and Merlin was there too. They were naked and he was tracing the line of Merlin’s spine with his fingers. The skin was soft and so white.

He woke up feeling something heavy in his stomach. That was the first time that he touched himself thinking about Merlin. It made him desperate, because he knew it was wrong. Because he knew that, even if it was wrong, he couldn’t help it, that feeling which had blossomed inside him. He bit hard into the pillow as he came. Between one deep breath and the next he saw it clearly. His feelings for Merlin had crossed a line, there was no way he could feel like that for a brother. What lay at the bottom of his heart was love, and it was small and compact like a stone. It hurt when he breathed.

 

///

 

Autumn came by and **Merlin** was grateful to be back with Will and Morgana. It hurt to see the distance between him and Arthur as it grew wider again. Sometimes he had the sensation that it was wider than the sea, wider than the sky. Even when they were with their parents and they had to fake some normalcy, even then, with Arthur’s arm slung over his shoulders, with Arthur’s jokes which made their father laugh so much, even then he could feel the ice of distance.

 

The leaves became redder and Merlin closed away his heart. He had always been good with his mind, to play with it. So he tricked himself, or at least he tried, to believe that he didn’t feel anything more than brotherly affection for Arthur. It didn’t matter if he was always hyper-aware of his brother, constantly _feeling_ his energy and the changes in it. It didn’t matter if he missed him.

 

One afternoon he was hanging out at Morgana’s house. They were sitting on her bed, sipping jasmine tea. She had looked at him, her head tilted to the side. Merlin had always had the sensation that her eyes could see right through his soul, that she knew him inside out, even if there were so many things and so many thoughts that Merlin had to keep for himself.

 

“You’ve been off since when we’ve come back to school, what’s wrong?”

 

Merlin almost chocked on his tea and felt himself sink in the mattress.

 

“T-There’s nothing wrong with…”

 

“Don’t even try to play dumb with me!”

 

Merlin swallowed.

 

“I…let’s say that I’ve some problems with my brother…we…don’t get along as we used to.”

 

He let his eyes travel out of the window, following the electric cables which were cutting the sky. Then he felt Morgana’s cool skin against his own. She was holding his wrist.

 

“You two are very close?”

 

Her eyes were piercing. For an instant Merlin felt as if he had had that gaze on him for years. Morgana wasn’t a person with whom it was easy to deal. She was all sharp angles and pointed comments. But Merlin had bounded with her easily since the start. Their sensibilities seemed to fit perfectly. He took a deep breath.

 

“We…Yeah. But…we’ve grown kinda distant lately.”

 

Morgana simply nodded.

 

“You’ll find each other again.”

 

And she was so serious, that Merlin couldn’t help to hope that it was some kind of prophecy.

 

*

 

Months slipped by. It came Arthur’s birthday. Merlin bought him a CD of 30 Seconds to Mars. It was about battles and wars and courage. In the end Merlin knew that Arthur still was his knight in shiny armour. Nothing could ever change that.

 

Chapter 7- Of bathing in colours

 

Before he could even realise it, summer was there again. He had spent his birthday out of town with Morgana and Will. They took a train and spent the whole day in Brighton. The sun was high over their heads as they sat on the shore. Merlin felt a big hole right in the middle of his heart. He had never spent a birthday away from Arthur.

Morgana, sensitive as always, gently caressed his hair; her fingers at the nape of his head. It was soothing. Arthur had never caressed him there; it was safe territory and Merlin was grateful for that.

He smiled at Will and Morgana.

 

“What about an ice-cream?”

 

“Well seeing that it’s your birthday you’ll have to pay for us, mate!”

 

Will sported one of his goofy grins. Merlin laughed and it got lost in the marine breeze.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** knew that Merlin was doing the right thing; waiting for it all to pass. But he also knew that Merlin was the responsible one.

 

When their parents told them that they were going to spend the week end at Gaius’ house and asked them if they wanted to go with them Arthur quickly shook his head. Merlin looked at him and Arthur tried not to fidget under his brother’s gaze. He felt relief bubbling in his chest when Merlin said that he would remain at home too.

 

*

 

It was way past midnight. Arthur had just finished watching a movie and Merlin was nowhere to be seen.

Arthur passed a hand through his hair and he followed his legs as they moved on their own accord. Sometimes he happened to know exactly were Merlin was. He had discovered it when they had been kids. They had never been able to play hide and seek. It was as if there was an invisible thread between them. Arthur liked to imagine that it was blue, like Merlin’s eyes.

 

Merlin was laying on the grass, his legs and arms stretched out, he looked like a starfish.

Arthur paused on the backdoor steps, looking at Merlin lying there, bathing in the moonlight. He thought that it wouldn’t be weird to discover that Merlin had been born on a star, just like the Little Prince.

Then he went and lay down beside him.

Merlin kept his eyes glued to the golden nails of the stars. Arthur took in a breath, trying to make his brain work.

 

“It was weird not being with you on your birthday.”

 

Merlin turned slightly to face him.

 

“Yeah it was…a bit.”

 

Arthur fought the desire to trace the lines of Merlin’s cheekbones, of his upper lip.

 

“I…I want to take you to the movies….they’re projecting an old movie by that guy you like, Miyakazi or something like that?”

 

He said it so fast that at the end he was almost breathless. He observed Merlin’s Adam apple moving as he swallowed. He watched as Merlin closed his eyes; his eyelids seemed to shine clear in the night air.

 

“That…That would be nice.”

 

Arthur allowed himself a small smile which floated towards the blue depth of the sky.

 

*

 

Merlin sat sipping his Coke, following Chihiro moving on the screen.

Arthur watched the bright colours painting Merlin’s face. Now and then Merlin would flash a glance in his direction and he would simply stare at the screen.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** smiled through all the movie. It had been Morgana who had introduced him to Miyazaki and he had fallen in love with his movies. But above all that was the buzzing of his blood getting louder and louder at the thought that Arthur had brought him there even if he didn’t like these kinds of movies.

 

For an instant his heart disentangled itself from the net which Merlin had tried to build around it.

And it did what was natural for it; it went to Arthur, right into his hands.

 

Outside the sky was orange. Merlin smiled and let himself open up, slipping into old and dear habits.

 

“Look, it seems to be in the movie.”

 

Arthur smirked.

 

“And you totally look like the radish spirit!”

 

Arthur faked a pout.

 

“What?! I’m way more handsome! How dare you?”

 

Merlin wanted to say “Yes, you’re beautiful” but instead he stuck out his tongue and then tried to avoid Arthur’s playful shove, with no success. They walked around for a while ending up in Covent Garden. Merlin loved the place, and without thinking too much about it (because his heart was too light to be able to do that) he grabbed Arthur’s hand. He almost stopped on the spot as the feeling of it hit him. It had been almost a year since he had last held Arthur’s hand like that. It seems bigger and warmer. He forced himself to move, step by step.

 

They sat at a table and ordered two orange juices. Merlin looked at Arthur and something nebulised in his stomach at the sight of Arthur’s smile. It was tender and uncertain and Merlin wanted nothing more than to see that smile again and again for the rest of his days.

 

*

 

They were walking towards the bus stop. Arthur had asked him to make him listen to some of the music he was listening to lately.

Music was important for Merlin. It was what channelled his emotions, what calmed him after one of his maddening dreams about other worlds, about another Merlin and another Arthur. He had wanted to share it with Arthur during the last months, he had wanted Arthur to know what made him smile and what moved him, what he sang under his breath while he was showering. For an instant he felt as if he had already known that kind of intimacy with Arthur, for an instant he hoped that he could experience it in the future.

 

He was going through his I-pod, completely unaware of his surroundings, except for the sounds of the cars and of the people passing by. He barely registered the flash of car lights before being dragged back. The air left his lungs as he collided against Arthur’s chest. He blinked and it took him a moment to take in the double-deck bus which passed where he had been standing before.

He tilted his head backwards to look at Arthur.

 

“You idiot! Look were you’re going, Merlin!”

 

Merlin smiled, a true, genuine smile as he realised which song he wanted Arthur to listen to. Without saying a word he slipped a headphone into Arthur’s right ear and pressed play. He smiled at himself as the notes poured into his own hear.

 

 _“And if a double-decker bus  
crashes into us  
to die by your side  
such a heavenly way to die  
and if a ten ton truck  
kills the both of us  
to die by your side  
the pleasure and the privilege is mine  
take me out tonight.”_

He laughed as Arthur’s eyes grew wider, but underneath it he hoped that Arthur could get the message. Could understand that even if the distance was something necessary he loved him, he wanted to be with him.

 

They sat on the bus, going back home. The song had ended and Arthur hadn’t said a word. Merlin tried his best to concentrate on the lights streaming outside like water.

 

*

 

Merlin was fishing the keys out of his pocket when Arthur spun him around. Merlin found himself looking straight into his brother’s eyes. All of sudden he realised how much he had missed that shade of azure. He couldn’t think straight over the sound of the blood in his ears, and over the spins which his heart was making.

 

“I…can I Merlin?”

 

Merlin was pretty sure that his brain had short-circuited. He only managed to nod, something bigger than him threatening to spill out, to overflow.

The moment Arthur’s lips touched his own Merlin realised how much he had desired it. To feel their texture and their softness and how much he had missed Arthur’s hands cupping his face.

They stumbled into the house and inside their room. It all happened in a flow, a flow of blue and azure and hands and skin.

Merlin felt shock echoing through his bones as Arthur pinned him to the bed. Arthur’s lips were gentle and his hands careful as he slipped them under Merlin’s t-shirt. For an instant Merlin thought that he had to push Arthur away but every cell of his body was craving for contact and he just abandoned himself to the flow.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** ’s head spun as he felt Merlin’s hands caressing him back; exploring his skin and the knots of his spine. Hoping that it wouldn’t be too much he tentatively rocked against Merlin. He opened his eyes just in time to see Merlin opening his mouth in surprise, his eyes bigger and darker than he had ever seen them. He knew that he couldn’t control himself, not this time. But he had to be sure that Merlin wanted the same.

 

“M-Merlin…I… _need_ to touch you. If…if you don’t want me to, please tell me now.”

 

Merlin looked at him, his lips parted and his breath fast. He didn’t say anything he simply pulled Arthur down and kissed him.

 

Arthur knew that his hands were shaking when he unbuttoned Merlin’s jeans and slipped his fingers inside. He had never touched anyone so intimately before, but he had fantasised so much about how Merlin would feel in his hands. He closed his eyes against the sensation and let his fingers slide along  Merlin’s length. He froze on the spot at the low sound that escaped Merlin’s mouth and snapped his eyes open.

 

Merlin’s cheeks were flushed and he was smiling. Arthur wondered how it could be possible that everything about Merlin managed to suck him in like that. He tugged at the hem of Merlin’s t-shirt asking for permission. Merlin straightened himself and lifted it over his head. For an instant Arthur didn’t move, taking in the white of Merlin’s skin. Then he reached out and let his fingertips slide along Merlin’s ribcage. His heart somersaulted as his brother flashed him a smile and pulled at his t-shirt. Arthur smiled back and removed his clothes without taking his eyes off Merlin.

 

The sensation of their skin touching so perfectly knocked the air out of his lungs. When Merlin shyly brushed his fingertips along his length Arthur simply couldn’t hold back a moan. He had imagined that it would be awkward at first but instead it was smooth and natural and brilliant. The way Merlin could touch him, the way heat pooled inside his belly, so strong and pure, the way their breaths mingled together. When he knew that he was close he kissed Merlin deeply. Merlin arched up against him, stroking him more firmly. They came together and white stars exploded behind Arthur’s eyelids.

 

When he opened his eyes again and saw Merlin lying there, panting with his eyes shining lightly in the half-light of the room, he couldn’t keep his thoughts locked inside.

 

“God, you’re perfect, Merlin.”

 

It had only been a whisper but Arthur knew that Merlin had heard it the moment he saw Merlin’s eyes grow wider.

He bit his lower lip, knowing that once again he had been the one to cross the line, the line which they weren’t supposed to cross even if they both _needed_ it. Something deep inside of him kept on saying that they were supposed to be together. It was as a lullaby replaying inside his head.

He snapped out of it as Merlin traced the lines of his cheek.

 

“You’re perfect too, Arthur.”

 

His voice was tender and so full of affection that Arthur simply smiled and lay down by his side. Merlin ruffled his hair and padded to the bathroom. He came back with a wet towel and Arthur watched as he gently wiped his stomach clean. He reached out and brushed his fingers against Merlin’s hand.

When Merlin put his t-shirt back on and started moving towards his bed Arthur grabbed his wrist. Merlin looked at him and he simply traced the lines of Merlin’s tendons.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** looked down at Arthur’s fingers and then he lifted his gaze. His brother’s eyes were clear and open as they hadn’t been in such a long time.

 

“You know…if you want to me to sleep here you can simply ask.”

 

He grinned, but he knew that it was expectation that was making his heart shiver and buzz.

Arthur finally tugged at his wrist and Merlin found himself lying beside his brother in the small space of his bed. It was comfortable; it was as if they had done this for a whole lifetime. As if Merlin had known perfectly how Arthur would hide his face against his chest and how his hand would rest on his hip.

 

Chapter 8- Of charting unknown territory

 

After having discovered the feeling of each other, neither of them was willing to let go just yet. They tugged at each other’s hands for the following months, trying to go back to normalcy and failing at it. They would always manage to fall back in the strange and precious intimacy that they had found that night, that they had always had hidden under the surface of their relationship.

 

They would stumble into each other coming back home after their activities. Most of the times they would steal a kiss against time and social norms. They would let their hands linger at the base of each other’s neck or on each other’s shoulders a bit longer than it was necessary.

It made Merlin think about some sort of dance in which they kept brushing against each other before taking a step back. It was unnerving sometimes but it was something.

 

*

 

Merlin’s theatre lab organised a show. He spent most of his days at Morgana’s house rehearsing. The night of the show he was in the backstage trying to apply makeup to his face even if his hands were shaking with anxiety. Morgana had grinned and helped him. While she was trying to hold him still to trace the contours of his eyes with a black eyeliner Merlin saw Arthur. He was laying against the doorframe with an amused look on his face.

Merlin swallowed and gently put a hand on Morgana’s shoulder. She looked at him questioningly and then turned, realisation shining on her features.

She flashed an understanding smile in Merlin’s direction.

 

“I’ll go see if Will needs help too, I’ll be back in a little.”

 

She passed beside Arthur and flashed him a smile before disappearing down the corridor.

Arthur took a step towards him and Merlin nodded. He felt his cheeks on fire under the makeup. It was a bit embarrassing to have Arthur seeing him all dressed up from such a small distance.

 

“So…uhm…why did you come here?”

 

Arthur stopped few inches away from Merlin.

 

“I wanted to say break a leg.”

 

Merlin felt dizzy. As Arthur leaned forward he matched his move to meet him halfway. They exchanged a quick kiss before Morgana came back and Arthur went back to his seat.

 

“So that was your brother, right?”

 

Merlin nodded, hoping that his feelings weren’t too visible on his face.

 

“You kind of fit together.”

 

Morgana smiled and Merlin knew that he really couldn’t hide anything from her.

 

*

 

Every time they hugged, every time their shoulders brushed, every time they took a picture together Merlin could feel his love growing stronger. And really there was no sense in denying it. Arthur was the first thing he had in his mind in the morning; the thought that would float around in his mind all day. It wasn’t something complete, it wasn’t something which they could live with under the sun but it was alright like that. Merlin was happy knowing that Arthur’s love was there, that Arthur was in his life. He was content enough with the touches and kisses that they could steal and enjoy on the rare occasions when they managed to be alone for a while.

It truly had been alright and it had resisted over time in its crooked way until Merlin had to start preparing his forms for university.

 

Somehow it had come all of sudden, bringing with it the realisation that once again he hadn’t been strong enough. He should have learnt, after all he had been in love with his brother for years. Since that day when they had kissed by the stream, and indeed something told him that it had been longer than that. Probably he had come to the world with the sole purpose of giving Arthur the totality of his feelings and of his thoughts.

 

Arthur had already started university the year before, deciding to remain in London in order to be close to home, close to Merlin.

It struck him to realise that once again they were at a turn in their paths, that once again life was screaming in their face that they were going to be separated, that they were wrong, that they simply couldn’t be what they wanted. It hurt more than it had ever done. Because Merlin knew that that had to be the last time he made such a mistake; the mistake to hope that there was place for their desires, for their dreams of a shared destiny.

 

Once again Merlin had to be the one to make a decision. He spent days with the constant company of a loud buzz in his head and of the sensation of being on the verge of crying every moment.

Then one night he dreamt of a huge ceremony. The light passed through the windows of the throne room, splashing over the flowers. Arthur was standing in front of the throne a woman by his side. She was beautiful, her skin had the colour of chocolate and her eyes were big and shiny. Arthur leaned down and kissed her. Merlin was there in a corner, watching the scene, as something was twisting his heart. He woke up with tears plastered to his face. That was how Arthur’s life was supposed to be. He wasn’t supposed to love his brother. And he knew what he had to do.

 

*

 

The day Merlin started packing his things Arthur left the house in the morning and came back around midnight.

Merlin spent most of the day alone in his room, or sometimes with Hunith who tried to help him. For every book, for every old present that he put in the cartoon boxes he had the sensation that he was putting away his heart instead. He wished that Arthur could be there, but he also knew that it would have made things even more difficult.

It hadn’t been easy to decide to go to Cardiff University, to leave his house, his family, Will and well Arthur. Luckily Morgana had made the same choice, and that was the only ray of light on the foreseeable future.

 

That night Arthur came back when their parents were already asleep. They would leave early the next day to drive Merlin to Cardiff and help him with the boxes. Merlin was still awake though, waiting for Arthur to come back. He couldn’t go without talking, he really hadn’t the strength to do so.

 

Arthur closed the door behind his back and simply looked at him. Merlin swallowed dry at the sight of the pain and confusion in Arthur’s eyes. It was as if he could feel those same feelings reverberating inside of himself.

He stood up from his bed and walked closer to his brother.

 

“Arthur…”

 

His outstretched hand stopped mid-air as Arthur averted his gaze. His jaw was set in a hard line. Merlin knew that Arthur was angry. He took a deep breath and moved closer.

 

“Arthur, please, look at me.”

 

Arthur’s irises were hard as he turned his head. They were watery too.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** had to use all of his strength not to cry. Really it wasn’t supposed to go like this. Things had been going well, even if they certainly couldn’t have a relationship like everyone else, couldn’t they? So why on Earth had Merlin gone and destroyed what they had built for themselves. They had chosen together. Arthur bit his lower lip.

 

“Why?”

 

His voice was slightly shaking but he was beyond the point of caring about façade, above all with Merlin who had come closer to him, closer to the stone of his being, than anyone in his life.

 

“I…”

 

“Why do you want to go away, Merlin?”

 

He was gripping his brother’s shoulders and Merlin was simply standing there with his silly big blue eyes.

 

“You promised not to leave me behind.”

 

He said it in a whisper, as if he had wanted to keep that thought for himself. But Merlin must have heard him because in an instant he found long, bony arms around his waist and Merlin’s cheek pressing against his own. His brother’s voice came out in slow puffs of breath.

 

“I’m sorry, Arthur. I truly am.”

 

Arthur had known Merlin for such a long time that he could feel his distress not only in his words but in the way he pressed against him and hid his face against his neck. He knew he had lost, because he would never be able to push Merlin away. He wanted Merlin to be a small bird, to close him inside the cage of his heart, to defend him from what people could think and say, from the world.

He passed his hand through Merlin’s soft hair.

 

“I…I can’t stop you if you think this is for the best.”

 

Merlin looked at him. Arthur did what he wanted to do most of the time. He kissed him.

 

They flopped down on the bed and Merlin seemed so small pressing up against his chest as if he wanted to disappear inside of him. The realisation that this could be the last time that they could be in each other’s arms made something turn unpleasantly inside his stomach. He pushed his face inside Merlin’s hair and whispered against the ink-blackness of them.

 

“Can…can I feel you one last time?”

 

Merlin eyes were wide when he looked at him. Arthur could see all the questions and the worry twirling there.

 

“But…Arthur that…”

 

Arthur knew that Merlin wanted to say that that would be too much, that wouldn’t be crossing a line; it would mean jumping into the void. But if Merlin was with him, despite how cliché it could sound, Arthur would do everything without an inch of regret.

He brushed his fingertips over Merlin’s lower lip.

 

“I know that. But you’re going away. If it’s wrong well, then  we’ll just put it behind our shoulders.”

 

He knew that it wasn’t true, that he would never be able to put everything behind, but he found that he couldn’t dictate on his heart on that precise moment.

 

And it happened like that. In the silence of the night before Merlin left for Cardiff. Merlin was tender and open under him. It squeezed Arthur’s heart out from the small space which it occupied in his ribcage, to feel Merlin all around him. To feel his heartbeat mixing up with his own so perfectly as if it was a silent song.

At first he didn’t know well how to move or what to do but Merlin gently guided him, with his hands, with his small movements. Arthur wasn’t new to being one with another person, but Merlin was. And yet he knew exactly how to guide Arthur, how to make him slip deeper inside of him. Arthur felt as if he was back in a safe and familiar place; a place where he was supposed to be. Every moan that rolled over Merlin’s tongue sank deep inside of him and Arthur knew that he would never be able to forget that. The feeling of Merlin moving in time with him, the perfection of Merlin’s hands locked behind his neck, of Merlin’s wet and soft lips.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** lay there, with Arthur gently petting his hair as he was drifting to sleep. He hurt a bit but he felt warmer than he had ever felt. Having been one with Arthur had made him understand that a part of himself truly believed that they were supposed to be together. He closed his eyes, shyly pressing his hand against Arthur’s chest. His heartbeat was calm. Merlin wished that the part of him which saw Arthur as his soul mate could be stronger, stronger than fear, stronger than what people might think or say.

 

They had had the possibility to explore a bit of the uncharted territory that they had created for themselves but it was time to go back to the known world. That time for real.

 

 

 

 **The present…**

 _Now we're back to the beginning  
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet  
But just because they can't feel it too  
Doesn't mean that you have to forget_

 _Let your memories grow stronger and stronger  
'Til they're before your eyes_

 _The Call- Regina Spektor_   
__

**Part 4**

Chapter 9- Of surprises at the bottom of cardboard boxes

 

 **Merlin** cracks his eyes open at the sound of Morgana’s voice.

 

“Oh, c’mon you lazy thing! We’re going to be late!”

 

The room is filled by the pale light of first December mornings. There are still cardboard boxes around the room. He hasn’t had the strength to unpack them. He decided that he needed some time far away from old photos, old books. The idea of having them here makes him feel tied down, as he felt the day his parents accompanied him to Cardiff.

 

*

 

They had left the house early. Arthur was awake in the bed which they had shared that night. Merlin hadn’t known what to say. Arthur had simply grabbed his hand and pulled him closer in order to hug him.

 

For an instant Merlin had felt as if he had been teleported somewhere else. He was in a stable, Arthur had just finished helping him to put his chainmail on. Then he had quickly hugged him. They didn’t know if they were going to see each other after the fight. Merlin felt warm as the sensation of Arthur’s body against his own covered him like a blanket.

Merlin had opened his mouth as he found out that it had become difficult to breath. He wished he could tell Arthur about the things he saw but it made no sense to create new bridges when he simply had to go.

 

The first days, even weeks, had been hard. He felt constantly out of focus, like a demagnetized compass. He knew that it was stupid but he had _Losing touch_ on loop in his I-pod. He truly felt like a vagabond, his heart was, because it couldn’t go back to where it had felt so safe.

 

*

 

Merlin presses the heels of his hands against his eyelids. Then he gets up and tries to locate a pair of clean trousers in the mess which his room floor is. Morgana stands with her arms crossed over her chest. She has become so much like a sister over the years. Merlin chuckles at the thought and earns a flying pillow which hits him square on the head.

 

“What’s so funny about being late to modern literature class?”

 

Merlin fishes a striped pullover and puts it on. He grabs his blue coat as he dashes out of the room following Morgana. Outside the air is cold against his cheeks which are still warm from sleep. The sky up above is almost white. Merlin thinks that it is probably going to snow soon. When he was in high school, he and Arthur used to not to go to school when it snowed. They simply wandered around. Arthur would stick out his tongue to taste the snow.

Merlin shakes his head in the chilly air. Things have been going better in his head. He has made peace with his dreams. He knows it is because his bond with Arthur is silent, it doesn’t buzz and pulse how it used to.

It makes him nostalgic now and then. When it happens he simply sits on his bed, his head leaned against the wall and lets the music soak into him, until loss and want become a single heavy little stone in the middle of his chest and he buries it once again.

 

He sits beside Morgana and lets his eyes wander around the class. It’s weird how he and Morgana have managed to live their first months of university almost as a single entity. They have always been enough for each other, not really needing someone new to be around. And well Arthur is still lurking under his thoughts, along his veins and Merlin feels as if his heart is always too full. There hasn’t been space for anyone else.

Sometimes he feels stupid because of it, because he has tied his own wings. But it’s not as if he has a choice; his heart simply doesn’t answer to anyone else.

 

That’s why it takes him by surprise to realise that during literature class his eyes keep going in the same direction, slipping over the features of a guy sitting in the front row. Every time that Merlin realises that he is looking at the curly hair and smooth features he forces himself to focus on his notebook and on the words of the professor.

When the lesson ends Morgana leans towards him; a smirk on her lips.

 

“So…it seems that little Merlin has found something nice?”

 

Merlin can feel his whole face become hotter. It’s not as if it’s possible for him to like someone else with this longing for Arthur still deeply rooted inside his heart.

 

“W-What?”

 

Morgana laughs, and this time it is gentler, as if she is trying to take him by the hand and show him that there are other people in the world, people who could make him happy. Merlin passes a hand through his unruly hair.

 

*

 

It’s a couple of weeks later, just few days away from the beginning of the Christmas holidays. Merlin is sitting in the library. _Your ex-lover is dead_ is pouring into his ears and lulling his brain while he is supposed to focus on a research paper. His thoughts keep running ahead along with the notes. He has been staring at the same page for something like three minutes when someone puts a pile of books on the desk. He lifts his gaze expecting to find Morgana and instead he meets a pair of chocolate-brown eyes.

He has the sensation that he has already looked into those eyes, he has the sensation that the butterflies spinning around in his stomach aren’t something new.

 

“Hey. Sorry if I disturbed you.”

 

Merlin blinks and takes off the headphones. His lips seem glued together.

The boy smiles gently and extends his hand over the books.

 

“I’m Lancelot.”

 

Merlin thinks that he totally seems to have come out of a fantasy book. Just like Arthur.

 

“Hi. I’m Merlin.”

 

He smiles and hopes that he doesn’t seem too dumb.

 

*

 

He begins to hang out with Lance in the library and around campus. He introduces him to Morgana.

When he has to take the train to go back to London Lance accompanies him to the station. Merlin shuffles his shoes against the concrete of the platform. Lance gives him his phone number and hugs him. Merlin thinks that it’s nice to be hugged like that, without worries or barriers. He lingers in Lance’s arms a bit more that he has planned.

 

*

 

He gets off the train at Victoria Station and his parents are there waiting for him. Hunith hugs him and for the first time in months Merlin thinks that being back home isn’t so bad in the end. During the car ride he looks out of the window; trying to keep the buzzing which has come back again under control. It’s as if his inner energy is going wild. He probably has to call Gaius and speak to him about it. He knows, though, that it is because he is going to see Arthur.

They haven’t spoken to each other during the last months, just a few texts and a call which Merlin made for Arthur’s birthday.

Merlin takes a deep breath and leans back against the seat trying to focus on the storm of questions which his mother is asking.

 

Arthur opens the door and lets their parents step inside. Then there are only the two of them facing each other on the front steps. Merlin can feel Arthur’s whole being drawing him in, like a magnet. He swallows.

 

“Hey.”

 

He flashes a tentative smile and watches expectantly as the defences which Arthur has built around himself during the months they’ve spent apart crack open. He can’t deny that he still thinks that his brother’s smile is one of the most beautiful things on Earth.

 

///

 

Day after day, as the Christmas holidays stretch in front of them **Arthur** realises how much he has missed Merlin, how much he has tricked himself into thinking that he wasn’t missing him.

He wanted to call him so many times, but he always managed to keep that urge under control. He was too proud and he cared too much.

 

He can’t deny that he follows Merlin with his gaze wherever he goes. Merlin smiles at him but keeps the distance. Probably he doesn’t trust his own control over his emotions. Arthur can totally understand the feeling.

He finds himself letting his eyes slide along Merlin’s bony shoulders and along his spine. He finds himself wanting to know everything about his life in Cardiff, but not having the courage to ask.

 

*

 

New Year’s Eve passes in a blur of lights and shouts and Merlin’s eyes so big and shiny as he laughs with Morgana. It passes leaving behind the regret of not having grabbed Merlin by those wing-like shoulders and kissed him.

The house of his friend Gwen is filled with people, they are all smiling and Arthur joins in, but it’s as if a portion of his mind and of his heart never manages to leave Merlin. And when his younger brother answers a phone call with a particular shade of smile on his lips Arthur feels a pang of jealousy. He drinks more to make it all go away, to make it drown in the dizziness.

 

He dreams of a snowy night and of the castle which is so often in his dreams. He dreams to be a king on the last night of the year. He dreams of looking out at the snowy dark sky with Merlin whispering words in some unknown language by his side; his long fingers entwined with his own.

 

The morning after, Arthur wakes up sprawled on Gwen’s sofa. His head hurts as the light seems to be trying to cut holes into his head. He spots Merlin. He is lying on his back on the floor. His pullover has raised during the night and a small portion of milky skin is exposed in the morning light. His hair are a black mess and his chest rises and falls following the rhythm of some dream. Arthur wonders if Merlin still has those weird dreams that he used to have when he was smaller. He wonders if their connection is still strong enough to make them share their dreams like when they were kids. He shakes his head and tries to walk straight to reach the bathroom.

 

He is splashing his face with some cold water, sending half of it on his shirt, when the door opens behind his back. He doesn’t even have to turn. By the way his body answers on his own he knows that it’s Merlin. The way his spine prickles tells him that. Merlin nudges him and Arthur moves to the side.

Droplets of water get caught in Merlin’s long eyelashes. Arthur smiles and his younger brother blushes.

 

“I’ve missed you.”

 

He lets it drop like that over the white tiles of Gwen’s bathroom. Merlin looks at him with such worry in his eyes that Arthur blurts out a: “I…I don’t mean anything by it. Just you’re my brother…”

At that Merlin relaxes and flashes him a shy smile.

 

“I’ve missed you too, Arthur.”

 

*

 

A few days before Merlin has to leave for Cardiff again, Arthur asks him if he wants to take a walk. Merlin agrees. They take the tube up to Camden. Arthur knows that Merlin loves the place and it’s his way to tell him that he respects his choice but he doesn’t forget, he doesn’t forget to put Merlin at the centre of his world.

They walk around, going from stand to stand. Merlin talks;  a river of words and of smiles. Arthur doesn’t want him to go back. He knows that it’s selfish but he hates the idea of Merlin being able to have a life which doesn’t have a special space for him in it. He looks at Merlin’s long fingers as they brush against clothes and hover above old clocks and books.

 

They’re heading back towards the tube station when Merlin’s mobile phone buzzes in his pocket. Arthur eyes the soft smile that stretches his brother’s lips. He tries not to listen to the conversation, because the way Merlin says hello makes his stomach twist.

When they sit side by side on the tube he clears his throat and tries to sound the more casual that he can manage.

 

“So, who was at the phone?”

 

He watches as a light flush paints Merlin’s cheeks and wishes that he could just wipe it off.

 

“Uhm…a friend from university.”

 

Merlin shrugs and Arthur closes his hands into fists inside his pockets.

 

“A girl?”

 

He tries to smirk hoping that it works. Merlin looks at his Converse.

 

“No…he is a boy.”

 

Arthur’s heart sinks deeper than he ever thought it could.

 

*

 

The day Merlin leaves he hugs him on the front door and tries not to think about who’s going to hug him when he will be back in Cardiff.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** sits by the window. He turns the music on hoping that it will wipe away the longing and the feeling of guilt. He bites his lower lip hard. He knows that Arthur probably thinks that he is seeing someone. He has been the one to make his brother believe it.

He closes his eyes and tries to convince himself that he is not trying to hold onto Lance like a life preserver to avoid drowning in the huge mystery that his affection for Arthur is.

 

He falls asleep, cradled by the rolling of the train. He wakes up when the train is pulling into the station. He doesn’t remember what he has dreamt of, but he can feel a solid weight at the bottom of his stomach and the desire to go back to where he was, the sensation that if he could it will all be better.

 

*

 

He is unpacking his sack when someone knocks at the door. He pads over and smirks imagining Morgana carrying a bottle of Bayles as always when they have been apart for a while and she needs an update.

His knees seems to give off under his weight as he opens the door and sees Lance standing in the corridor.

 

“Hey, there.”

 

Merlin can feel his ears grow hotter.

 

“H-Hi.”

 

Lance smiles and Merlin tries not to compare his smile to Arthur’s.

 

“I thought to stop by, can I come in?”

 

He waves two bottles of beer in front of Merlin’s face. Merlin grins and steps aside.

 

*

 

Merlin wakes the morning after with his heart light at the memory of the nice evening he has spent chatting with Lance. He finds himself hoping that maybe this is the right time for things to change, but then his eyes travel right to the photo of him and Arthur which he keeps on the chest of drawers.

 

Chapter 10- Of wounds

 

It’s snowing outside. Thick snowflakes filling the air. Merlin looks as his breath forms small clouds in front of his nose. Lance chuckles by his side and sticks out his tongue to catch the snow. Merlin pushes down the memory of a child Arthur looking the same and leans a bit against his friend.

 

They stumble into Lance’s room with their noses half frozen. Lance wanders off to the coffee machine nearby. Merlin sits on Lance’s bed and stretches his legs in front of himself. He takes a look at the books abandoned on the nightstand. He smiles as he spots a couple of books about Arthurian legends.

When Lance comes back he hands a cartoon cup to Merlin and types away on his pc looking for “the right music” as he calls it. He smirks at the computer screen and Merlin quirks an eyebrow. Then he can’t help but smile as the first notes of _Nannou_ by Aphex Twin twirl in the room. He likes the way Lance’s tastes match his own, the way they can share all the small things which make them both happy.

 

“Oh check this book out, I saw it at the library the other day.”

 

Lance passes him a book and Merlin opens it on his legs. Lance sits by his side and looks at the pages with him; his hair brushes against Merlin’s cheek.

Merlin tries to focus on the words, tries to tune off the sound of Lance breath. Then all of sudden the memory of Arthur hugging him over his maths homework shakes his bones. He takes a deep breath and closes the book.

 

“Well I think I shall go now.”

 

Lance looks questioningly at him but doesn’t say anything. He accompanies him to the door and kisses him on the cheek to wish him goodbye.

 

*

 

Merlin almost runs until he reaches his room. He flops down onto the bed and turns on his pc. It’s then that he finds the email, waiting for him.

 

 **To:**   
[merlin_blue@gmail.com](mailto:merlin_blue@gmail.com)

 **From:**   
[arthur_gold@gmail.com](mailto:arthur_gold@gmail.com)

 **Subject:** None

 

Oi.

 

It has been a while. Just wanted to know how you were doing. I’m fine, I’m together with Gwen now (we were at her house on New Year’s Eve). Let me know when you’ll come back, we can hang out together so you can get to know her better.

 

A.

\----

 _“Far, far away in a land that time can't change.”_

 

Merlin reads the mail over and over until his eyes cannot see the lines well anymore. He snaps the laptop closed and hides his face against the blanket.

He can feel it clearly, the wound which those words have opened inside of him. Because, yes, he might have hoped that things could move on but a part of him, the most of him, has kept Arthur at the centre of his world. Arthur has been the reason why he has danced around with Lance not having the strength to make a decision. Because Arthur was more, more than anyone could ever be even if he didn’t even know why.

He doesn’t even try to fight the tears which are already sliding along his cheeks. It is ten thousand times worse than it had been when he was only fourteen and well since then Arthur had only been focused on Merlin.

It has the bitter taste of something definitive.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** sits and looks at the screen. He checks that the email that he has just sent truly is in the “sent” folder. It is and Arthur tries hard not to regret it.

 

*

 

It happened just like that, so simply, after Merlin had gone back to Cardiff, to his own life.

He had known Gwen since his first year of university. He had gone often to her when he needed someone to talk to, when his life had been too much of a mess with all his feelings knotted up inside of him. She was kind and everything about her gave Arthur the idea of softness. But well she wasn’t Merlin. She wasn’t all angles and blue eyes and messy black hair. And that was everything Arthur had cared for for years, when he had truly hoped that they could live whatever it was that they had, even if it had to finish one day.

 

But things went spinning out of axis after he had seen Merlin’s expression while he talked over the phone with that friend of his. He had never seen his brother like that, with that light in his eyes, when it came to someone else. It had felt like a betrayal, even if he had no right over Merlin’s feelings; he knew that all too well.  But he had partial control over his own.

 

When he asked Gwen to go out for the first time it was at the beginning of February. The air was cold and the sky grey. She had arrived with a yellow coat. The moment he saw her, Arthur thought that she might be the right one. The moment she tilted her head to the side and smiled he was sure that he wanted to see that smile again.

 

*

 

Being with Gwen is like being cuddled and kept safe all the time. Arthur likes the feeling of having her by his side, of her gentle hands and kind words.

 

Sometimes while she is studying, he simply lies on her bed and watches her. She listens to music while she reads her books of economics and sociology. The music she listens to is soft like her, things like Tegan and Sara or Gregory and the Hawk. Arthur quite likes it; it’s different from what Merlin used to listen to and, well, right now he doesn’t even know which music his brother listens to anymore. The thought makes something tighten in the middle of his chest. He tries to chase away the sensation running after the smooth lines of Gwen’s neck and cheeks. She turns and smiles at him. Then leans over and ruffles his hair.

 

“Something’s wrong?”

 

Arthur finds himself thinking that he likes the way she speaks, with her tongue brushing past her teeth now and then. He smiles back and shakes his head.

 

Gwen is the first person with whom Arthur feels like building something real. Over the years Merlin has taken up too much space, pushing aside all the rest. His presence was too strong and he fitted Arthur’s angles and curves too perfectly to make it possible for other people to step between them.

But now things are different and Arthur feels as if Gwen can actually fill up the empty space, the one which Merlin is not completing anymore. He fits with her; when they hold hands, when they dance together, when they sleep, spooned in Gwen’s small bed.

 

Arthur truly believes that this is the right thing to do. He truly believes that he is happy like this.

 _///_

 **Merlin** spends nights so full of dreams that he wakes up in the mornings exhausted. At the beginning he wonders if it’s the same for Arthur, but then he thinks that they’re different, they’ve always been. Arthur probably doesn’t have these persistent dreams anymore.

 

He forces himself to go to class and tries to spend less time possible alone, because he knows that otherwise he would do something unbelievably stupid as calling Arthur. He ends up spending most of the day in Morgana’s room. She is patient even if now and then she shouts at him exasperated by the lack of personal space. Merlin discovers that he has a tendency to colonise the places where he spends his time. Morgana’s room starts to be filled by Merlin’s books and some of his clothes.

One night she corners him at dinner.

 

“Look, Merlin. I’ve no problem with you camping in my room, but tonight…well I’m expecting a visit…”

 

She arches her perfect eyebrows and Merlin finds himself blushing. It’s weird how he has never contemplated this side of Morgana. He has known her for years and yet he has always seen her as some sort of perfect creature who didn’t need other people in that sense.

 

“Oh, alright. But you’ve to tell me more about it.”

 

He grins and Morgana laughs.

 

“So I’ll come and take some things to take back to my room then.”

 

“Oh, I’ve already asked Lance if he could put you up for the night. He said it was fine.”

 

Morgana grins and Merlin is almost scared by her cleverness. But he also knows that he can’t stay with Lance, not now that he still is confused by Arthur’s decision.

 

“But…”

 

Morgana leans towards him over the common kitchen’s table.

 

“No buts, Merlin! He has seen that you’ve been down lately. He said he was concerned.”

 

She remains silent for a while, apparently studying the piece of bread on Merlin’s plate.

 

“Give him a possibility, Merlin. He…he probably is better for you.”

 

Merlin looks at her and swallows. Sometimes he has the sensation that she knows, about him and Arthur, even if he has never said a word about it to anyone.

 

After dinner he wishes Morgana good luck with her date and pads along the corridors till he reaches Lance’s room. He looks at his feet, his thoughts are a whirlwind of Arthur’s eyes and hair mixed up with his dreams. It makes his head spin and he has to use all of his willpower not to fall to the ground. When he doesn’t feel as if he is on a rollercoaster he blinks. He has to get all of this out of his system. He knocks.

 

Chapter 11- Of what others call normalcy

 

 **Merlin** spends the night awake. Lance offered to sleep of the floor but Merlin said that there was no reason at all for him to do that, so they ended up sleeping in Lance’s bed.

Merlin glances at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It says that it’s 2 o’ clock in the morning. He sighs and tries to move closer to the edge of the bed. He can feel the heat radiating from Lance from where he lays behind him. He turns slightly to look at him. In the pale light of the street lamp in front of the window he takes in Lance’s features. He seems younger when he sleeps. His hair fall in soft curls over his forehead.

Merlin can’t stop himself from gently passing a hand through his hair. It feels so different from Arthur’s but it’s warm and it’s real. Merlin suppresses a chuckle at the small sound that escapes Lance’s lips.

When he opens his eyes he is alone in the room. Probably Lance has gone to class without waking him up to make him rest. Merlin feels a wave of warmth at the idea that the other boy truly cares about him. He wishes that he could abandon himself to this, whatever it is.

During the years he has tried to go back on the tracks of what others called normalcy, but when he failed he found that he didn’t really want to. What he wanted was Arthur, every cell of his body, every curve of his thoughts wanted him. But now…now he is growing and the world won’t wait, wont’ be merciful, he knows that.

 

*

 

One month rolled after the other. Merlin hadn’t answer to Arthur’s email. He hadn’t know what to write.  He went back home for the holidays.

 

One night at the beginning of July he went out with Arthur and Gwen. They went to a small pub in Islington. Merlin thought that Gwen was lovely; her smile was big and warm and she treated him as a friend. Merlin found it easy to smile at her and he felt as if he had just had a déjà-vu; as if he had already known what it meant to be friends with Gwen. He fell silent for a while, once again trying to sort out his feelings of familiarity for things that were unknown to him.

It was Arthur’s hand on his arm to bring him back to reality. He backed away instinctively and the impact against the back of the chair knocked the air out of his lungs. Arthur had a weird expression on his face, halfway between worry and hurt. Merlin quickly focused his gaze on the table and mumbled an apology.

 

Arthur left to visit Gwen back at her hometown. Merlin decided that he hated to spend his days in a half empty room because Morgana was in France with her parents. He took the train and went to Gaius’.

It was the first time that he went there alone and during the train ride he tried hard not to remember the last time that he had gone to Gaius’, with Arthur sitting by his side. He liked Gwen, he truly did, but he couldn’t deny that it had been unsettling to have in front of his eyes the proof that he was not the one to be with Arthur.

He spent every moment of his day with Gaius. He liked to be with the old man, he felt safe in the small world made by walks in the woods and Arthurian legends. Sometimes though he couldn’t help but get lost in his thoughts; thoughts made up of dreams and desires. He thought about Arthur and Lance. Gaius probably had noticed that there was something lurking under the surface because he was particularly careful not to ask too many questions about his brother.

 

Merlin was grateful for that because he had been feeling the buzz intensify since when he had come back from Cardiff. He knew that it was because of Arthur, it had always been about him. But it was somehow changing, not only in its intensity. It was as if it had expanded, surging inside of him also on other occasions. For example when he and Gaius had been in the woods Gaius had tripped and Merlin had leant forward just in time to grab the old man. It had been as if something had surged from his insides. It had been something strong and real. Merlin was afraid, but something kept him from telling Gaius. It was as if he was guarding a secret.

 

///

 

 **Gaius** had decided just to observe. He had always known Merlin well since the times of Albion. He had found him again in most of their lifetimes. But every time he had waited patiently for the moment when Merlin would remember on his own, would realise who he truly was.

 

Every time it happened at a different age, but usually it had been when Merlin had been in his twenties. Sometimes the magic would come back with the memories and sometimes not. Arthur did not always remembered during his lifetimes. It was rare but it had happened and those few times Merlin had always decided to remain silent. Even if it was hard he preferred to keep it all for himself because he valued more to have a happy Arthur by his side than to share his new found memories, because he couldn’t foresee the consequences.

Most of the times, though, they both remembered at a certain point. But it had never been like that; difficult as it was in the current lifetime.

Gaius observed Merlin, the way he was lost in his thoughts now and then, but he decided not to press too much.

Then one day he realised that probably things were on the verge of changing. They had been walking when he had tripped over a stone. Merlin had grabbed him just in time and Gaius had clearly felt it, the wave of energy flowing out from Merlin, it almost set his skin on fire where Merlin’s fingers pressed.

 

He accompanied Merlin to the train station and remained on the bench for a while after the train had disappeared. He looked up at the clear sky through the cables. He had the sensation that the next time he would see Merlin the boy would have remembered it all. He hoped that destiny could be merciful, that the connection between him and Arthur could be strong enough to make them overcome the huge wall that they had between them in the current lifetime.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** goes to pick up Merlin at the train station. As he drives there he replays in his mind the weeks which he has spent with Gwen; to glue himself to reality. He fills himself up with memories of long mornings spent walking around Canterbury, of days spent at the seaside in Westgate-on-Sea. It has felt as if they were in a parallel world where they had all the time that they wanted.

 

Arthur waits in the hall. He distracts himself observing the people walking all around. He thinks that it’s incredible how many lives entwine in a station. The moment he realises what he has thought he has to smile at himself, because Merlin’s influence has probably reached deeper than he has ever expected, even if they no longer share everything with each other.

He turns to his left and spots Merlin in front of the flower shop. He is leaning over the handle of his suitcase and has his omnipresent headphones in his ears. Arthur doesn’t even try to suppress the wave of affection which rises inside of him.

 

“Merlin!”

 

Probably the music is too high. Arthur smirks and walks towards him. Merlin is looking right in front of him and Arthur manages to sneak up behind him and to tug at his right headphone. Merlin turns- his eyes wide- and Arthur chuckles.

 

“You idiot!”

 

“Why, hello, Merlin!”

 

Arthur looks as his brother’s lips as they quirk up into a smirk.

 

*

 

It’s nice to spend time with Merlin. It still isn’t as it used to be, probably it never will again. But it’s good to lay with him in the garden listening to him as he reads the books which Gaius has given him. He asks Merlin about university, about Morgana. Merlin replies, he sounds guarded but Arthur is just happy to be able to know a bit more about Merlin’s life.

 

When Merlin leaves for Cardiff with Morgana at the beginning of September Arthur decides that he can’t go on running away. He sits at his desk and writes.

 

To: [merlin_blue@gmail.com](mailto:merlin_blue@gmail.com)

From: [arthur_gold@gmail.com](mailto:arthur_gold@gmail.com)

Subject: To my brother

 

I just thought to wish you good luck for this term. It was nice to spend a bit of time with you.

I’ll try to write to you more often. I promise.

 

A.

\---

 _“Far, far away in a land that time can’t change.”_

 

Chapter 12- Of pieces of chalk

 

When they’re back at the campus **Merlin** heads towards his room after having promised Morgana that they would have dinner together. He stops in front of his door and he can feel a wide smile spread on his face. A post-it looks at him from where it has been hung to the door.

 

“Welcome back! L.”

 

Merlin takes the post-it and pushes his room’s door open. He leaves the small piece of paper on the nightstand and feels bubbles in his stomach. He bites his lower lip. This is something which is somehow new to him. He has never felt like this for anyone except for Arthur.

 

At first when he sees that he has received an email from his brother he hesitates. He has accepted how things are, but the memory of the tears and of that something inside of him trying to rebel to the idea of Arthur being with someone else is still too fresh. He closes his eyes. When he opens them again he clicks the email open.

 

It feels good after a long time, as it has felt good to share a bit of his time with Arthur before leaving. He passes a hand through his hair thinking about an answer. It’s weird how he is studying creative writing and yet he has problems when he has to communicate with his brother.

 

From: [merlin_blue@gmail.com](mailto:merlin_blue@gmail.com)

To: [arthur_gold@gmail.com](mailto:arthur_gold@gmail.com)

Subject: Re.: To my brother

 

It was nice to find an email from you in my inbox. It did me good to be able to share something with you again. I missed that.

Good luck with everything. And remember that a promise is a promise! Indeed you shall come to visit me sometimes.

 

M.

\---

 _“I never confused what I had for what I was.” (J.S.Foer)_

 _*_

 

When it happens Merlin feels as if it has already been written. It happens slowly, though.

 

It all begins with Merlin leaving a small note on Lance’s door. It just says “Thanks. M.”

It’s just few days after that he manages to meet Lance. He is in the library trying to find a book which he needs for his history curse. He is focused on the spines of the books lined in front of him. When a hand lands on his shoulder he doesn’t even feel the need to turn, he simply knows who’s standing behind him. He smiles at the spine of “War and peace in ancient and medieval history”.

 

Lance hugs him and Merlin finds that he truly likes this, the way Lance is open about his feelings, the way he shows them proudly and doesn’t hide them.

 

From then on they spend the most of their free time together. Lance shows him around Cardiff on late September sunny days. Merlin finds out that Lance has some sort of fascination for the sea and they often end up at Cardiff’s Bay, staring at the shining plate of the water.

When Lance leans over the small table they’ve been sitting at Merlin meets him halfway. Is a chaste and tender kiss. It has the taste of something waited for.

 

What Merlin likes the most about being with Lance is that there’s no need to hide anything. Maybe Lance doesn’t reach the bottom of his soul as Arthur had, doesn’t ignite every fibre of his being as his brother has been and probably still is able to do, but he makes Merlin happy. Lance is able to make him smile every day, with his small gestures and gentle words.

 

Lance is the second person to make love to Merlin in his whole life. It makes Merlin anxious at first, because with Arthur he didn’t feel exposed; Arthur had known him since when he was smaller than a doll. It’s not like that with Lance.

But then Merlin relaxes under Lance’s hands and lips. He almost feels the urge to cry as Lance enters him, because it feels good to be so moved and to feel so complete with a person who can be his without the world vetoing it.

They fall asleep pressed together in Merlin’s bed but when Merlin wakes up in the morning he is alone. He rubs the sleep off his eyes and sits up. There’s another piece of paper on the nightstand.

 

“Sorry I had classes early this morning. I didn’t want to wake you up. I’ll see you at lunch.

I already miss you. L.”

 

Merlin sighs contently and sinks under the blankets again.

 

That evening Lance appears at his door holding a small package. Merlin quirks an eyebrow.

 

“What…What is this for?”

 

Lance’ laugh is one of the most transparent things Merlin has ever heard.

 

“It’s a present for you.”

 

Lance hands him the packet and presses a kiss to his forehead. Merlin sits on the bed and unwraps it. He runs his fingers over the small blackboard, there are also some coloured pieces of chalk. He looks at Lance who’s studying the photograph of Arthur and him. He clears his throat and Lance turns.

 

“So, do you like it? I thought that it would be better to leave messages for you there instead that wasting tons of paper.”

 

Merlin doesn’t know if he is smiling because of the sweetness of the thought or because what Lance said means that he wants to continue with their relationship. But in the end, the reason doesn’t really matter, so he stands up, laces his arms around Lance’s neck and kisses him.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** plans to go and visit Merlin many times. And every time there’s something different to stop him. One time it’s an exam, the other is a week end with Gwen or with his parents. They miss Merlin now that he is not at home much, they miss having the two of them together and Arthur has decided that he has to be good enough for them.

 

*

 

One afternoon Arthur is sitting on the floor in his and Merlin’s room. He has turned on Merlin’s old stereo and put on an old CD which his brother gave him many years ago. He leans against his bed and closes his eyes. The music lulls him and he falls asleep.

 

He is surrounded by a thick mist. The air is chilly around him and everything is grey and silent. Arthur is afraid, he feels as if he has lost something important but he cannot remember what. He turns around but no one is in sight.  He takes a step into the void and then another and another. His heart skips a bit as he spots a darker silhouette. He holds his breath but the figure doesn’t move.

A couple of steps and his vision clears. He sees a man who looks exactly as Merlin kneeling on the cold ground. He is crying, holding a body in his arms. Arthur cries out as he realises that the corpse looks exactly like himself. Merlin lifts his eyes on him, they’re filled with tears and so gold and bright that it hurts to look at them.

 

Arthur wakes up and there’s not enough air in his lungs. He sobs and hides his face against his knees. The music is still going on. Arthur remembers when Merlin, _his_ Merlin, gave him that CD. It’s a mix of songs which Merlin had loved at the time. It makes him think of a thin boy, all big blue eyes. He stands up, holding to that small memory to make the dream fade away.  

He opens his window, it’s winter again and the air is cold, it burns his throat as he takes a deep breath.

 

*

 

It’s only a couple of days later that he decides to call Merlin. He is at Gwen’s; he usually spends most of the week in her small apartment. She is taking a shower and he is sitting on her bed. Somehow it makes him uncomfortable to call Merlin when he is surrounded by Gwen’s things. It feels as if two parallel worlds are clashing. He presses the green button and waits.

Merlin’s voice pours into his ear.

 

“Hey!”

 

He must be outside because Arthur hears the swish of the wind. He imagines Merlin wearing one of those big colourful scarves of his and can’t hold back a smile.

 

“Hiya! Do I disturb you?”

 

“Not at all! It’s good to hear from you. What’s up?”

 

Arthur leans against the headboard. He wants to tell Merlin about his dream, he wants to ask if he has had the same dream as it used to happen when they were kids. He shakes his head.

 

“I…I was thinking to come to visit you.”

 

“Oh, really? That…that would be great! When do you want to come?”

 

Arthur looks at the ceiling. He focuses on the Ikea swinging lamp. It’s made of paper, he thinks that Merlin would like it.

 

“Hey, are you there?”

 

Arthur doesn’t hear the sound of the wind anymore and he imagines that Merlin is back in his room. For a brief instant he tries to imagine it and feels bad because in two years he has never been there.

 

“Oh, yes, sorry. I was thinking maybe the first week end of March?”

 

Merlin’s laugh echoes through him.

 

“But it’s in a month! Why is that you’ve called now?”

 

“Because I wanted to tell you.”

 

It’s simple in Arthur’s mind, indeed. He doesn’t feel like trying to look as if he doesn’t care about Merlin anymore. He wonders if it is because of that dream, which still lurks at the back of his mind.

Merlin’s voice is soft as he speaks.

 

“Alright, thanks, Arthur. Then see you soon!”

 

“See you soon.”

 

Merlin hangs up before Arthur has the time to make a mistake and mumble an “I love you” without thinking. He sighs and tosses the mobile on the mattress. He hugs Gwen tight when she comes out of the bathroom. She smells of soap and normalcy.

 

///

 

Merlin tries to keep the buzzing under control, even if it’s hard with Arthur’s words replaying in his head as if it is a loop.

He lies on his bed and looks at the ceiling. He feels charged with electricity, and once again he wonders what it could be. Sometimes he has the weird thought that his whole life is a string of questions. He sighs at that and turns to face the wall. The small blackboard still has a message which Lance has left days before written on it. Merlin lets his eyes follow the tilted curves of Lance’s handwriting.

 

 

 

Chapter 13- Of train stations and tingling fingertips

 

The thought of Arthur finally coming to visit him was pushed at the back of his mind by the whirlwind of exams and Lance and the beginning of a sort of collaboration with the “Glamorgan Gazette”.

He remembers it out of the blue few days before Arthur’s arrival.  

 

*

 

Merlin glances up from his spring rolls to look at Morgana and Lance. He swallows.

 

“So…I kinda forgot and well forgot to tell you that Arthur is coming over this weekend.”

 

Morgana looks at him; her eyes piercing in the half-light of the small Chinese restaurant. He fights against the shiver which runs through his body under the scrutiny and grips the chopsticks tighter.

 

“Uh…and who’s Arthur?”

 

Merlin catches the look of disbelief on Morgana’s face before he turns to face Lance.

 

“I…uhm…he is my brother.”

 

Lance tilts his head to the side; a shadow passing over his eyes.

 

“You’ve got a brother and you’ve never told me?”

 

Merlin worries his lower lip feeling his ears growing hotter. He scrambles around in his mind for a good excuse, for an explanation.

 

“Well you…you’ve never asked and besides he is the one in the photo on my chest of drawers…I thought you had figured it out.”

 

Lance blinks and actually flushes a little.

 

“Well…It’s that you look so different from each other, I thought you were friends…”

 

Merlin tries to convince himself that he has not just thought “if it was that simple I probably wouldn’t be here.” He shakes his head as if to make his thoughts slot back into place.

 

“Well, he is my brother instead.”

 

He glances at Morgana and she lifts an eyebrow.

 

“I…uhm, sorry Lance. It’s not as if I didn’t want to tell you or anything.”

 

Lance’s hand is big and warm and reassuring over his own.

 

“Hey. Don’t worry. It’s my fault probably and besides one of the reasons I love you is because that head of yours is always up in the clouds.”

 

Merlin grins and holds Lance’s hand a bit tighter.

 

*

 

He cracks his heavy eyelids open and looks at the clock on Lance’s nightstand.  He almost scrams. Arthur will be at the station in half an hour. Merlin groans and swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

He quickly puts on his clothes and he already has his hand on the knob when a sleepy Lance asks him where he is going. Merlin simply says “Arthur” and runs to his room; the taste of his brother’s name still on his tongue.

 

Outside the weather is warm, the sun sinks into his skin. When he was small he thought that Arthur’s hair was made out of the sun. He smiles at the memory as he waits for the bus to arrive. As he enters the station he is certain to find an angry Arthur waiting for him, instead he finds out that the train is late. He sits at the platform, a cartoon cup of coffee in his hand. The smell of coffee caresses his nostrils and his mind slips, it fills up with flashes of azure eyes and golden hair, of smiles over mugs which he has never seen in a kitchen where he has never been. He snaps out of it as he realises that he has spilled some coffee over his jeans.

He sighs and lifts his eyes to the sky. The first swallows draw are drawing slow circles in the sky. He keeps looking at them also when he hears the train approaching. Only when the train stops he lowers his gaze and stands up. It doesn’t take much to spot Arthur. He sneaks between elbows and shoulders until he reaches his brother. Arthur hugs him, and it is so unexpected and real that Merlin closes his eyes for an instant; letting his senses be filled by Arthur’s smell, by his solidity.

 

“So, show me around!”

 

Merlin grins and grabs Arthur’s elbow guiding him out of the station.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** can’t hold back a snort of laughter as he enters Merlin’s room. It looks as if a bomb has just exploded; Merlin’s clothes are scattered on the floor along with books and pens and what look like paper planes. He walks up to his brother’s bed putting his bag on it. He looks at the small blackboard.

He can almost feel the sound of it, of what gets stuck in his throat at the sight of the “I love you” cutting across the black surface. Merlin’s voice comes to his ears as if he were underwater.

 

“Earth to Arthur!”

 

He turns. Merlin is looking at him his arms full of clothes and books that he has picked up from the floor.

 

“Planning to stand there all day or could you help me with these?”

 

Arthur grins and moves towards his brother. It’s nice how comfortable it is to be in the same room and to do something so small and familiar as tidying up with Merlin. He stops in front of the chest of drawers and picks up the old photograph. He didn’t even know that Merlin had taken it with him. They were just kids when that photo was taken. Arthur feels the desire to take more photos, to trap Merlin on the film, because there, on the surface of a photograph they can remain together for as long as they want.

 

*

 

Merlin drags him out as soon as he has turned his room into something not resembling a post-war scenario. They spend the afternoon walking around the city centre. Merlin makes up stories about Cardiff for him, just as he used to make up stories about knights and dragons when they were kids. Arthur laughs and feels the bubble of warmth trapped inside his chest growing bigger and bigger.

 

When they’re on the bus heading back towards the campus Merlin tells him that they’re going to go out tonight with Morgana and Lance. Arthur doesn’t know who this Lance is, but he knows that it’s not going to be comfortable for him as he catches the way Merlin’s smile widens as he mentions the guy’s name. Arthur tries to picture Gwen’s smile in his mind, but Merlin’s huge blue eyes take up too much space.

 

*

 

Morgana hugs him when they meet and Arthur finds it quite familiar even if usually no one hugs him like that, except for Gwen and- very rarely nowadays- Merlin.

Lance shakes his hand warmly. Arthur thinks that he seems a good boy, gentle and bright. He ignores the pang of disappointment and jealousy which follows the realisation. But Merlin seems so happy and he talks and talks over his pint and Arthur forces himself to be cheerful and tell jokes even if the only thing that he wants is to be alone with Merlin. And when Lance puts an arm around Merlin’s shoulder and pulls him closer Arthur tries his best to concentrate on what Morgana is saying, keeping his eyes focused on hers and not on Merlin’s cheekbones or on his stupid smile.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** knows that he shouldn’t but he can’t help but feel out of place in Lance’s arms and not in Arthur’s. The thought has always licked at the edges of his mind during the last months but now that he is with Lance and Arthur is there it feels wrong. As if a plug has been forced in a place where it doesn’t belong. He tries to push the thought aside, but it doesn’t disappear. Somehow with Arthur so close it all becomes more difficult to control. The buzz fills his head over Lance’s smiles and over the chatter of the pub.

 

They walk together to the campus. The moon is high over his head and Merlin thinks that it looks like a slice of lemon. He turns towards Arthur and sees that he is looking at the moon too. He moves closer and whispers into his ear.

 

“Doesn’t it look like a slice of lemon?”

 

Arthur laughs and Merlin doesn’t even try to blame it on the beer, the flatter that shakes his stomach at the sound. He carelessly lets his fingers brush against Arthur’s arm and he is glad to feel Arthur lean closer. Lance is talking with Morgana few paces in front of them. Merlin can’t stop a sad smile at the thought that they will never be anything different from brothers for the other people. People would never allow them to be anything more.

Arthur passes a reassuring hand through his hair and Merlin wonders if maybe he has felt his distress. Sometimes he thinks that they are some sort of communicating vessels. And when it works well it makes Merlin feel complete.

 

*

 

When Lance leans in to kiss him goodnight Merlin doesn’t have the heart to push him away even if  knowing that Arthur is there makes him feel uncomfortable. He doesn’t have the courage to look at Arthur in the eyes. When they close the door of his room behind their backs Merlin tries with all his might to focus his attention on his shoes.

Then Arthur’s arms are around him and for a moment he feels as the two years old kid hugged by his brother.

Arthur’s words are like caresses.

 

“I’m happy to be here. I’ve been an idiot not to come sooner.”

 

Merlin simply hugs him back, his hands gripping the fabric of Arthur’s pullover. His blood buzzes with the words which he has the sensation to have said a thousand times except that he knows that they haven’t left his mouth, not even once.

They sleep in Merlin’s bed and it’s weird to lay like that, his back against Arthur’s. He can’t sleep with him so close and Arthur’s breath and the tension in his back tell him that his brother isn’t sleeping either.

Merlin remains silent listening to Arthur and trying to imagine what is twirling in his mind.

 

*

 

When Merlin opens his eyes in the morning what he sees is a wide room and stony walls. He blinks and the image is gone. His room is back and he feels dizzy. He turns and looks at Arthur. He is snoring slightly, his features so relaxed that Merlin feels himself smile.

He is careful when he tries to get up but Arthur stirs in his sleep and mumbles something which sounds like a “whatareyoudoing?” Arthur’s hand lands on his own and squeezes it. Merlin freezes on the spot but then he squeezes back.

 

“I was going to fetch some breakfast.”

 

“Mmm I’ll come with you.”

 

Merlin smiles.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** feels something warm in his stomach as he rolls over to occupy the side of the bed which Merlin has left empty. He thinks that he wants to wake up by Merlin’s side every morning. He snaps his eyes open as he realises what he has been thinking.

Merlin is already putting on his shoes and Arthur forces himself to get up and dress.

 

They sit in the common kitchen. Arthur stretches his legs under the table and looks at Merlin as he sips his milk with coffee. He thinks that it doesn’t matter what he does, he can’t get tired of those blue eyes shining over the brim of the mug.

 

“So what are we going to do today?”

 

“I was thinking to go to the Sunday market.”

 

Arthur wants to ask if also Morgana and Lance are coming but he remains silent. He lets his thoughts drift to Gwen. It’s unsettling to be again sucked into Merlin’s magnetic field. Gwen has been what has kept him from falling into his brother’s orbit. He realises it with striking clarity now.

He feels relief bubbling in his blood as they exit the building. It’s just the two of them and he is grateful to whoever is up there for having given him the opportunity to share some more time alone with Merlin. It’s like a drug, really; the way Merlin laughs and talks and smiles.

 

As they’re sitting in front of a small cafeteria Merlin leans over the table grinning.

 

“Want to play that game we played when we were kids?”

 

Arthur doesn’t even have to ask which game Merlin is talking about. He looks around and spots a woman in his fifties with a bouquet of flowers.

 

“She has just met his lover who bought her flowers and now she is thinking about how to hide them from her husband.”

 

Merlin looks at her.

 

“Nah…she is going to visit her mother and wants to bring her flowers.”

 

Arthur smiles. It’s typical of Merlin to be so pure. He wants Merlin never to change. He wants to be the one to protect his beauty from the world.

Two boys pass by holding hands. Arthur wants to say “that could be us” but instead he lets them pass without saying a word.

 

“Look! That’s you when you’ll become old.”

 

Arthur follows Merlin’s gaze and pouts as he sees the fat old man Merlin is referring to.

 

“Ouch. That hurt, Merlin! Be more sensitive!”

 

Merlin laughs and Arthur thinks that he wants to record it and put in on loop on sad days.

 

///

 

They walk back when the sun is already setting. **Merlin** looks as the light splashes over Arthur’s hair making them shine. It surprises him how time flows faster when he is with Arthur. It’s as if they’re in a different dimension when they’re together. As if seconds, minutes and hours pass around them, leaving them standing in the middle.

He thinks that it could be a good idea for a story.

 

“Oh, I just had a good idea for a story.”

 

Arthur’s smile is so beautiful that it’s almost painful to look at it.

 

“You’ve to dedicate your first novel to me, you know that, right?”

 

Despite Arthur’s grin Merlin doesn’t doubt even for an instant that he is going to do that. It would be just natural.

 

*

 

When Arthur leaves, Merlin accompanies him to the station. He is the one to hug Arthur this time.

As he walks back home, he feels out of place and when he gets into his room he knows that places which were only his before Arthur came to visit will now feel a bit emptier until Arthur will come back again.

 

 **Part 5**

 

Chapter 14- Of bubbles at the bottom of the soul

 

It’s exactly after Arthur has left that it starts. His body is buzzing most of the time, reacting to the absence of Arthur’s energy. It’s as if his body, his soul or whatever he is made of craves Arthur again, with the intensity of when he first discovered what he felt for his brother. He can’t even control it.

It licks at his core all day and night. He tries to bury it in Lance’s kisses but as days and weeks pass by it becomes harder.

Arthur calls him or texts him almost every day and Merlin’s blood sings and twirls every time.

Once again his dreams are back and this time they don’t leave.

 

*

 

One night he is sleeping in Lance’s room. His dreams have always seemed to be deterred by Lance’s presence. But this time they’re stronger.

He dreams of standing in front of a dragon, the creature’s eyes glinting in the torch’s light. It tells him that Arthur is his destiny. Before he can try to say something the image dissolves and he is standing in front of his mother, her eyes calm and kind as always.

 

“You belong at Arthur’s side. I’ve seen how much he needs you, how much you need him. You’re like two sides of the same coin.”

 

Merlin wakes up with a sob. He shivers because he _knows_ that what the dragon and his mother  have said is true. His bones, his blood, his heart know it. As they know that he has already heard those words. He feels as if they have been carved deep in his cells from the beginning.

 

From then on it gets worse.

 

*

 

One day he is standing in the library scanning a shelf for a book that he needs.

All of sudden it’s as if someone has unlocked a door open inside his mind and memories are rushing through like water. Memories which he doesn’t remember having collected.

 

He remembers helping Gaius to make antidotes, he remembers hugging Gwen, he remembers standing beside Arthur on the day of the coronation.

All the air leaves his lungs and he has to kneel on the floor. But his eyes don’t see the shelves and the neon lights dangling from the ceiling.

 

They see Arthur riding by his side, they see Lance talking with Gwen, they see Ygraine’s ghost.

 

He can feel tears running down his cheeks. He brings his hands up to his face but what he touches is a sword during the riot in Ealdor, what he touches is Arthur’s armour as he polishes it, what he touches is Arthur’s hair as he kisses him in an hidden corridor.

 

He jerks back into reality and gasps. He blinks back the tears and he is back in the library. He has to force himself to remember that he is Merlin, Arthur’s brother and Lance’s boyfriend. That he is in Cardiff, Wales in 2010. But it all feels wrong and he wants it back, to be back where he knows he belongs, where it all started, even if every fibre of his beings knows that it isn’t possible, that this is his life now.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** stops in the middle of the supermarket; a persistent buzzing at the back of his mind. He doesn’t know why but he wonders if Merlin is alright.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** is positively sure that it will drive him crazy. This persistent gnawing of images and emotions.

He is standing on the bus and what he sees out of the window is not Cardiff at all.

He remembers a life when the most important news on every first page was the first airplane flight. He remembers being a journalist and having met Arthur at the theatre.

The bus stops and the memories retreat.

 

At night he tells Lance that he wants to be alone but then Morgana knocks at his door and all he can do is cry. And when she asks if he is alright, he simply hugs her and mumbles that probably he is just stressed for the upcoming exams.

 

///

 

 **Gaius** can’t sleep. He sits on the patio looking at the stars. He can feel it, the shift in the balance of things.

It has been like this every time. He still wonders how destiny has been able to link him to Merlin so deeply. Every time he feels it when Merlin starts to remember. Sometimes, like now, he can’t be there by his side and it’s hard because he has seen how painful and confusing it is. The only thing that he can do is wait for Merlin to come to him.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** thinks that he is hallucinating. He is sure of it when he enters his room and what he sees is a forest and Merlin standing there with his omnipresent grin.

 

“C’mon, Arthur, or we’ll be late for your father’s feast.”

 

He reaches out but the image dissolves in front of his eyes. He tries to convince himself that everything is alright.

 

*

 

The next time that it happens he is with Gwen. They’re sitting on the couch watching a movie and she is leaning against him as Arthur lazily caresses her hair. In the blink of an eye he is holding Gwen’s hand in front of the court. But his eyes can’t leave Merlin. He is standing in a corner in a long blue tunic which Arthur has given him. He is beautiful and Arthur feels his love for him pumping strong into his veins. He comes out of it with his eyes wide and his heart beating like a crazy drum. He gets up quickly and Gwen looks at him worried. He fights the desire to tell her that he remembers, he remembers the time when she was a queen and he was the king. Instead he tells her that he has forgotten that he had to meet Leon. She smiles at his forgetfulness and kisses him goodnight.

 

Arthur walks and he doesn’t even know where he is going. The sensations are still so fresh and vivid. The emotion and the worry of having finally become king of Camelot. The longing for Merlin and the sadness because Merlin was the only one who had managed to go deep inside of him; to crawl under his skin and to grow and shine there and he couldn’t be the one by his side in front of the throne.

 

He sits on a bench in a small playground. He closes his eyes and images come twirling in. He is leaning over Merlin who’s lying on the floor after he has drunk from his goblet. He wants to shake him to say that he is an idiot for having sacrificed himself once more. Then he is sinking into a quicksand, he feels so weak and yet he doesn’t want to let go. But then Merlin and Gwaine  are there by his side. He wants to hug Merlin but he holds back. Then he is standing on a bastion, the sky clear and wide over his head and Merlin his standing by his side. There’s no one in sight so he pulls him closer and kisses him. Merlin tastes of hay and milk.

 

He shivers as he opens his eyes on the playground again. He has never felt so lost. He doesn’t have a clue of what it is happening. He reaches for his mobile phone because there’s nothing that he wants more than to hear Merlin’s voice. To hear that everything is alright and that they’re what they have always been. Even if he knows that they’ve always been more.

He takes a deep breath and tries to focus. He slowly walks back to Gwen’s. He passes most of the night awake; the memories of nights spent sharing the same bedroll or the same bed with Merlin filling him up to the brim. It’s almost dawn when he realises that he misses it, that he misses what they had because it was something that they _could_ share, even if he had duties as a king. He buries his head into the pillow, because it is scary and confusing to have these thoughts and these feelings that are familiar but weren’t there before.

 

Chapter 15- Of what lies within

 

It’s after another sleepless night that **Merlin** decides to go to visit Gaius. He doesn’t know well why, but he knows that he has to go to him, that everything will be clearer after that. He doesn’t have to explain why he is going away. For once Morgana doesn’t ask questions, she has seen his distress and Lance is Lance. He would never force Merlin to reveal his thoughts and motives if he wants or needs to keep them for himself.

Merlin feels bad because of this, because he knows that he is leaving Lance behind. What the memories are doing is changing his place among things, he knows it. He knows that they’re dragging him closer to what he was, closer to Arthur who, it seems, has always been a part of him even before they became brothers with the same blood in their veins.

 

The train ride feels incredibly long and lonely. He tries not to doze off but shards of the past cloud his vision anyway. He almost jumps in his seat when he remembers Morgana; her powers, her desire to destroy Uther and to become queen. He shakes his head gripping the armrests. It can’t be right or if it is well everything has changed, because the Morgana he knows is his best friend and nothing can change that. He spends the rest of the trip wondering if reincarnation is something true then, if when a person is reborn over and over, she purifies her faults. He looks at the few frayed clouds floating in the sky and wonders if they will all remember or if he and Arthur will be the only ones. Or worst, if he is going to be the only one who remembers it all.

He fishes his mobile phone out of his pocket and types out Arthur’s number. His finger hovers on the green button but then he pushes the red one and puts it back.

He calls Gaius when he is already at the train station. The old man doesn’t sound surprised to hear that he is waiting for him there. Merlin thinks that it’s weird to talk to him for the first time knowing who he was and who he truly is. Somehow he doesn’t doubt, not even for an instant, that Gaius remembers everything. He has always been his guide in the end.

 

*

 

They sit in Gaius’ kitchen. Merlin grips his cup of tea not caring if it is too hot. It doesn’t help that when he stares at the liquid what he sees is a cave full of crystals flashing with images that he doesn’t manage to catch.

Gaius’ hand is warm and it helps to glue him to reality. When Merlin lifts his gaze and looks into the old man’s eyes he is sure that he knows. Gaius smiles at him fondly.

 

“It’s always like this, my boy. It’s scary and confusing but believe me it will all settle.”

 

“But…how can it possibly settle! I feel as if I’m going crazy here and it has been weeks, it won’t stop.”

 

He squeezes his eyes shut. Gaius’s words are calm and as low they were when they both were back in Camelot, as they have been over the centuries.

 

“How much have you remembered so far, Merlin?”

 

Merlin takes a deep breath and starts talking. It helps him to glue together all the scattered pieces of his first life.

 

///

 

 **Gaius** listens keeping his hand over Merlin’s. The boy seems bonier than usual, he hopes that the worst will pass soon. As Merlin goes on with his story he realises what it’s missing. He still hasn’t remember how things started with Arthur, he still doesn’t remember his magic. Gaius swallows, that would be a hard blow. As it will be to discover that he has it also in this current lifetime. Gaius has been sure of it for a while. Merlin’s capacity to sense energy, his deep connection with things, for Gaius they’re signs of the presence of magic inside the boy. He knows that he has to help Merlin at least on this.

 

He squeezes the boy’s hand and gets up. Merlin follows him in the living room. Gaius tells him to sit down and starts to scan the shelves trying to remember where he has put what he is looking for. Then he finds it; a small wooden box. He carefully takes it and brings it to Merlin. He sits by his side and looks at him.

 

“This is going to be difficult, Merlin. More than what you’ve been experiencing so far.”

 

He can see the fear lurking in the boy’s eyes and he has to use all of his willpower not to protect Merlin from this. But Merlin is the same brave boy whom he met on a summer day in Camelot. Without saying a word he takes the box and opens it. Inside there is a small crystal, it shines in the light of the lamp. Merlin’s fingers move on his own accord and they brush lightly over the cold surface. Gaius holds his breath.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** feels as if unknown fingers are squeezing his heart tightly. The crystal is suddenly hot under his fingertips and it’s as if the gem is calling something hidden inside of him. And that _something_ surges and rises, through his bones, through his blood. It rises until it’s overflowing and Merlin feels it spilling out from the tip of his fingers. He can’t do anything except watch as light erupts everywhere. He has never felt so alive and so scared. When the wave subsides he looks at Gaius; he can feel his heart beating fast in his ears.

 

“G…Gaius…I…”

 

He wants to ask what the hell that was, but he can’t even articulate his thoughts. He still feels that energy pulsing deep inside of him. He knows that it hasn’t disappeared, that it will remain there as a part of him. As it has always been. He finally lets go of the crystal and he is grateful for Gaius’ arms around him.

 

“It’s always hard to remember this bit when you have it inside of you.”

 

“I…I haven’t always had it? And…why, why now…I…”

 

“Shh, Merlin. Just take a deep breath. I know that it’s confusing but this is what you’re and have always been. You know it and you’ll get accustomed to it again. Believe me.”

 

And even if it is absurd he knows that Gaius is right; his magic is already becoming a familiar and known presence.

 

“But…how…what will I do with it?”

 

“Well, you’ve always been good at hiding it, right?”

 

Gaius smirks and Merlin feels like smiling after a long time. Then his thoughts drift in Arthur’s direction, as they always do. He looks at his hands.

 

“And…Arthur? Will he remember?”

 

He doesn’t look at Gaius, afraid to read an unwanted answer in his eyes.

 

“Well, I have this feeling that you’re going to find each other also in this life time and…”

 

“But what do I have to do, I mean, do I have to…”

 

“You don’t have to tell him anything, Merlin. He has to recollect his memories on his own.”

 

Merlin bites his lower lip.

 

“And Gwen and Morgana and…Lance?”

 

Gaius closes the small box and gets up.

 

“They don’t always remember and you don’t always meet them all. It’s…it’s hard I know, but destiny follows its own paths and well…”

 

“Well?”

 

“You and Arthur are the ones who destiny keeps linked more deeply.”

 

Merlin can tell that Gaius is careful to touch the topic in the right way.

 

“Is…is this the first time that we’re born as brothers?”

 

And now that he has remembered what he and Arthur have shared, what they have felt for each other life after life he can’t help but shiver at the thought of the entity of the obstacle that destiny has decided to put in front of them this time.

Gaius turns and looks at him with concern painted over his features.

 

“Yes, it’s the first time.”

 

Merlin nods. Without a second thought he gets up and hugs Gaius.

 

“Thank you. Thank you because you keep reaching out for me.”

 

*

 

When Gaius has gone to bed Merlin sits out on the patio. The air is starting to get warm and he keeps his eyes focused on the darkness surrounding the house. He notices that the buzz has started to fade away but his newly found magic is pressing against the barriers of his control so he lets it flow around. He looks as small balls of azure light start to flow around him.

 

He thinks that probably people who disembarked on an unknown continent felt like he is feeling right now. He closes his eyes and when he opens them again, there’s Arthur looking at him by a steam in a forest. His armour is shining in the sunlight and his smile makes butterflies flutter around in his stomach. He opens his eyes and realises that he has lived that moment also in this lifetime with his brother Arthur on a summer day of many years ago.

And then it all makes sense, the way his life has always seemed to revolve around his brother no matter what. Even the fact that the first word he had ever said was “Arthur”, as if his soul had been calling out for his half.

 

Chapter 16- Of ink and skin

 

The moment he gets off the train in Cardiff he knows that he has to try to stay the more clearheaded that he can. He wants to see Morgana because he just can’t be afraid of her.

When she opens the door Merlin feels his magic curling at the bottom of his stomach. Her eyes are shining and they’re wide and clear. She takes hold of Merlin’s wrist and pulls him inside. She stands there and she looks exactly as the lonely girl whom he met on their first day of theatre lab. She still is the girl who came to him to talk about her first kiss, the girl who has always asked his opinion on her works. He takes a step forward but she takes a step back.

 

“Morgana? Is there something wrong?”

 

She lowers her gaze and then Merlin’s magic is tugging at him and he finds himself listening to it. He moves and wraps his arms around Morgana. She tenses up.

 

“You remember too right?”

 

Merlin can’t even believe that this is happening but he is sure that he has sensed this right. Morgana presses her face against his chest.

 

“Merlin I…”

 

“Shh, it’s alright, I’m here with you…I…am the same as you, Morgana.”

 

She lifts her gaze and looks at him and Merlin knows that he is not going to leave her, not ever.

 

“But I…what I did…”

 

“You’re my friend, Morgana. You’ve been by my side, this means something, I’m not going to forget it.”

 

Morgana flashes him a watery smile and whispers a thank you.

 

*

 

Merlin tries really hard to be strong and surely to have Morgana there helps. But as time passes he needs Arthur more and more. He needs him to know, to share all of this with him. Arthur is still writing to him now and then but not as often as before and Merlin has to fight really hard against the desire to call him.

 

He knows that he has to break up with Lance. He can’t be with him now that he has started to remember, now that he has understood that there’s no sense in fighting what he feels for his brother. It hurts to see Lance’s expression, the quiet sadness of his brown eyes. He is understanding, as he has always been, he hugs Merlin and tells him that he is sorry if he has done something wrong.

Merlin simply kisses him, for the last time, and whispers against his lips that no, he has been perfect.

 

*

 

It happens on an evening. He is lying on his bed listening to some random music. It is as if a brick has just fallen on his stomach. It’s all a rush.  

 

 

He stood in front of Arthur and he knew that he had thrown his life on the table. He tried to breathe even if he felt as if the other’s gaze was crushing him down. The prince’s irises were hard and shining with something which Merlin couldn’t identify. He hadn’t thought, not when that arrow had been just a bunch of seconds away from Arthur’s heart. They had been alone with no guards, Arthur would be dead if it wasn’t for him. Merlin opened his mouth to speak, but Arthur lifted his hand and he closed it. When Arthur spoke his voice was low and uncertain. Merlin had never heard it before.

 

“Why? Why, Merlin? You’ve hidden it from me.”

 

There was hurt under his words, thick and heavy and Merlin wanted to reach out and to kiss him as they had been doing over the last months. But he knew that he couldn’t, he had to wait, hoping that Arthur wouldn’t shut him out, wouldn’t decide to end what had started to grow between them.

 

“Merlin! You answer to me now or…”

 

Then Merlin heard it clearly, how broken Arthur’s voice was and he knew that he had to do something to fix it.

 

“Arthur…I…I was scared for my life. I…I’ve tried to tell you so many times and…”

 

“Then why you haven’t? You didn’t trust me enough?”

 

Merlin fisted his hands, feeling rage and magic mix up inside of him.

 

“I love you, Arthur! Of course I trust you!”

 

Arthur took a step towards him but then he stopped.

 

“Then why?”

 

Merlin moved closer and took Arthur’s hand into his and kept holding it even if Arthur tried to pull away.

 

“Because I was afraid to die, but I couldn’t leave because my place is here, with you.”

 

He opens his eyes and the worry doesn’t leave him. He wants to call Arthur to know that he will always love him despite what he has discovered to be. He doesn’t.

 

*

 

It’s when the madness of it all verges on “too much” that Merlin decides. He doesn’t even have to spare a minute thinking about it. He _needs_ it to ground himself to reality. Well, he desperately needs Arthur but he can’t call him, not now that his head still seems to be surrounded by a thick fog.

 

He spends a whole night tossing around as the memories of things which he felt and lived centuries ago keep coming to him and retreating as waves licking at a seashore.

 

The morning after, he knocks at Morgana’s door. They have helped each other to resist under the assault of memories, to adjust themselves to what they used to be and still are.

Morgana looks at him and quirks an eyebrow.

 

“Have you had another bad night? You look horrible!”

 

Merlin flashes a sad smirk in her direction.

 

“Exactly. And I’ve got a favour to ask you.”

 

*

 

It hurts. It reminds him of the wounds he received when he fought by Arthur’s side. It reminds him of Arthur’s wounds, of his scars. Once he had spent the whole morning in the prince’s bed counting and mapping them. It still sounds a bit wrong, because just a few weeks ago he didn’t have such memories.

The needle dips under his skin and Merlin grits his teeth. He needs those words written on him, the pain and the ink soaking his skin are exactly what he needs to keep himself centred. To make him remember who Arthur is to him even without all these memories that keep flooding him from the inside.

 

Morgana takes his hand as they’re outside of the tattoo parlour. Merlin squeezes her fingers and lets her guide him. His shoulder aches and he can feel his magic pulsing as it works to make it heal faster.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** knows that things can’t go on like this. He can’t spend every day feeling completely disconnected from the world which surrounds him because of flashes of images and words that keep crossing his mind. He has the urge to call Merlin most of the time, but he always manages to stop himself from doing it. What could he say?, “Hey, Merlin. It’s Arthur, I’m going crazy here”?

 

He spends most of his days on his own, being close to other people makes his head spin. Too many faces are familiar, too many faces are also in his dreams. He has to let Gwen go. She is like fresh air to him but he can’t be with her knowing that he can’t tell her what’s happening, that what is happening is pulling him towards Merlin more and more. And he doesn’t want to stop, he wants to reach the bottom of it. He wants to be with Merlin more than anything else.

 

*

 

One day it all becomes too much and Arthur can almost feel the sound of his bones cracking under the weight of it.

He dials Merlin’s number. He leans outside of the window waiting for his brother to answer. When Merlin’s voice comes Arthur is sure that his heart has just stopped working. Everything stills as under a spell. A spell…just like those which Merlin used to make when they were in Camelot, when Arthur was too stupid to see them, when Arthur spent too much time denying his feelings for his manservant.

Arthur thinks that his voice is still the same; that they are still the same. The moment he understands what this all means he hangs up without saying a word. Merlin calls him once, twice. He doesn’t answer. He is too busy trying to regain control of his lungs. He closes his eyes and opens them again on the houses of their street.

He knows who he is. He knows what it means and what he has to do.

 

DA QUI

 

Chapter 17- Of finding the right place…

 

He doesn’t know what he is going to do. He doesn’t even wonder what he could do if Merlin still doesn’t remember. He hopes that he does, though, because now that he remembers how Merlin used to look at him, how he has looked at him for centuries he couldn’t stand not to find that look in Merlin’s eyes.

During the train ride, he tries to remember how he and Merlin met for the first time. He finds that he can’t reach so far. It’s as if there’s a closed door in front of him and he knows- his blood tells him that- that he needs Merlin to open it.

 

*

 

When he arrives in Cardiff it’s already evening. The sky is getting darker and all that Arthur can think of are Merlin’s eyes when he is going to see him standing at his door.

 

Merlin’s eyes are as big as he has imagined as his brother opens the door; they’ve more sadness in them than he had expected, though. They look at each other and Arthur feels something dilating inside of him. He feels as if what he feels for Merlin has never been so wide and alive and breath-taking. Because now when he looks at Merlin he sees all of him; his brother, the boy with whom he has grown up with, and his one and only love since the times of Albion. It’s too much and he truly can’t find words to express it. He simply stands there, looking right into the blue depth of Merlin’s irises. He remembers that he stood like that also the first time that they kissed.

 

He remembers clearly how he felt, as if he was standing on his toes on the verge of an abyss. Merlin didn’t say a word, he just waited, beautiful as he had always been. Then Arthur slowly traced the lines of his cheekbone, of his eyebrow. Merlin fluttered his eyes closed for an instant and Arthur felt himself drown into something bigger than him, bigger than his heart. He leant in and pressed his lips to Merlin’s. He thought that probably babies felt like that when they were born. Because kissing Merlin was like being born again.

 

Arthur focuses again on the present as Merlin starts to open his mouth. He does what he has always done since when he was Prince of Camelot, he follows his instinct. Merlin’s lips taste of tears. He remembers having tasted tears on Merlin’s lips many other times; after almost lost battles, after his marriage with Gwen, on the precise moment when life left his body for the first time.

He hugs Merlin, he wants to feel his angles and his curves. They’re so familiar to him and yet always so fascinating.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** can already feel his edges liquefy. But he has to force himself to push Arthur away. He has to see him in the eyes, and understand. Arthur looks back at him and his gaze is clear and transparent. Merlin’s breath plays hide and seek in his lungs. The moment his lips touch Arthur’s again, his magic breathes inside of him. It makes his knees weak and his heart roar. He has never felt something like this in his life. He briefly wonders if it’s always like this, lifetime after lifetime, when he meets Arthur for real.

He pushes his hands into Arthur’s hair, in his prince’s hair, in his brother’s hair. Arthur moans against his lips and Merlin pulls him closer. They stumble among the piles of books and of clothes scattered over the floor. When his back hits the mattress, the air leaves Merlin’s lungs in a soft _houff._ Arthur is over him and all that Merlin can see are azure eyes and golden hair. As when they made love back in Camelot. Back then, it was the only moment for them; the only moment when they could show their feelings for each other for what they were.

 

It isn’t the first time that Arthur undresses Merlin, not in this lifetime as Merlin’s brother, nor in the lifetimes that they’ve shared over the centuries and yet it feels like something precious and new. Merlin shivers even if the air is warm. Arthur’s eyes are overflowing with affection and Merlin feels cradled by the azure. So perfect and _his_.

He hears the hitch in his brother’s breath as he uncovers the tattoo. Arthur doesn’t say anything. He simply traces the contours of the letters with his finger whispering the words as he reads them.

 

 _Even the bad things made sense._

 _They were necessary to make you possible._

His heart seems to burst when Arthur presses his lips over the words. He slowly traces the letters with his tongue. Merlin can feel his magic surging, answering to Arthur’s proximity.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** feels it, even if he doesn’t understand what it is. He can sense it under the white surface of Merlin’s skin.

 

“Let it go, Merlin. Whatever you’re keeping closed inside. It’s me, it has always been me.”

 

The moment he feels Merlin’s skin becoming hotter, the moment he sees the glow which surrounds the both of them, he remembers. He remembers the way it hurt to discover that Merlin had kept his magic hidden, how proud he was of Merlin’s powers and how happy he was that Merlin had chosen him among all the others. That he could be the one to have Merlin’s love.

He lets his arms slide around Merlin’s waist and pulls his brother closer. Merlin seems to fit perfectly against him.

 

///

 

 **Merlin** sinks into the sensation of having Arthur’s arms around him. It seems to him that he has waited for years for this to happen, for their souls to find each other again. When he turns around he doesn’t care if his eyes are blue or gold, he knows that Arthur has remembered and he knows that Arthur has accepted him for what he is as he had already done one day many centuries ago. Arthur looks straight back at him and closes the distance between them. Merlin thinks that he could manage to live only on Arthur’s kisses.

He lets himself fall completely open under Arthur’s fingers and lips. He lets his magic free to float around until he can’t tell anymore where the border line between his and Arthur’s skin and heart.

 

///

 

The moment he enters Merlin, **Arthur** feels as everything inside of him has been set on fire. He looks at Merlin. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes are shining so bright that Arthur has to remind himself that they aren’t stars but only his brother’s eyes.

 

Memories wash over him as he begins to move. Memories of when he made love to Merlin in his room at the castle, after he had married Gwen. Merlin had kept the distance for days after the marriage and it broke Arthur’s heart not to be able to reach out for him. But then Merlin had come back. Making love to him that time had made Arthur’s heart burst open. He had whispered “I love you” in Merlin’s ear all the time.

 

Merlin moans under him and Arthur lies forward until their lips are brushing.

 

“Remember me, Merlin.”

 

///

 

 **Merlin** pushes his hips up. The sensation of being finally complete bubbles up in his lower stomach. He feels Arthur moving inside of him and he closes his eyes.

 

He remembers it now, the first time that Arthur made love to him. It had been a winter night, after they had defeated Morgause’s army of immortals. Arthur had been shocked by the discovery of Morgana’s hate. When Merlin entered the prince’s room to prepare him for the night he found Arthur sitting in a chair in front of the fire. Merlin could clearly feel his pain and he wanted nothing more than to wash that pain away, to protect Arthur from the hate and from the world. He kneeled down in front of him without saying a word. He simply looked at Arthur in the eyes. Arthur looked straight at him and there was such sadness and need in his eyes that Merlin didn’t think too much and just did what he had been longing to do for months. He leaned forwards and kissed him. At first Arthur tensed and Merlin was afraid that he would push him away. Instead Arthur’s lips started to move against his own and Arthur’s hands cupped his face. It didn’t feel as he had imagined. It felt better and he couldn’t find the words to describe it afterwards. When he had been back in Ealdor he and Will had played together like two overgrown puppies, but it had been just that, playing. With Arthur it was different. Merlin wanted him, wanted to be one with him with all his being. Arthur was his destiny and he was also his first love. He couldn’t do anything about that and he didn’t want to. He guided Arthur gently and Arthur followed, careful not to hurt him. Merlin let himself being washed away. It was hard to keep his magic in check when he came with Arthur’s name on his lips.

 

He pulls Arthur close and kisses him. They come together and Merlin moans Arthur’s name. It sounds like his first word.

Arthur hides his face against his neck and Merlin welcomes the solid weight of Arthur’s body, pressing him down on the mattress. He closes his eyes and lets his fingers trace the lines of Arthur’s back. It’s as if he is tracing the contours of a continent which he lost but now has found again. It leaves his lips, as a breath.

 

“I love you.”

 

His eyes are warm and watery, because it is the first time in this life as brothers that he puts his feelings into words. The moment he says it, he realises how deep and vast is what he carries in his heart, what shines between him and Arthur. It’s as if his love for Arthur has multiple layers, one for every time that he has found Arthur again.

 

///

 

 **Arthur** likes the way Merlin’s skin is soft and warm against his own. He closes his eyes and his heart remembers it, the first time that they met.

 

He had been such a prat back then and Merlin had been so annoying. Arthur had grown up surrounded by people who followed his orders even when he was a child. He had grown up learning how to fight and to command; he hadn’t had many friends. Princes were not supposed to have those. But then Merlin had stumbled into his life with his big blue eyes. He hadn’t been scared by the fact that he was a prince. Arthur had realised that he liked that. He had been moved by the way Merlin had saved his life for the first time. From then on they had stumbled together along the path of friendship. Arthur had tried to deny it at the beginning but he soon had realised that Merlin was indeed his only friend. And when they had arrived at a crossroad in their relationship he didn’t have a doubt on which way to choose. He didn’t regret it. Merlin grew and grew under his skin and remained there when he became king. He remained there, in Arthur’s heart, until the day he died on the battlefield. Merlin was there, when Arthur closed his eyes on the world.

 

When he hears Merlin saying that he loves him Arthur feels as if his soul is hugging his heart. He lifts himself up and looks at Merlin. His eyes are so open and unguarded, he can see Merlin’s soul in them. He presses their foreheads together. Their breaths mix in the small space between them.

 

“I love you too, Merlin. I…I’ve always known it somewhere deep inside me. I…I wish I could have understood it earlier and…”

 

Merlin presses his index against Arthur’s lips. He smiles gently and Arthur thinks that he could live off of Merlin’s smiles.

 

“Too many words. We don’t need them between us. Not now.”

 

Arthur understands it perfectly. He has always felt connected to Merlin, since when he was only his brother, when he didn’t remember who they had been, but now, now he can almost see it, the thread that destiny has made between them.

He kisses Merlin gently. He knows that he won’t let go, not this time.

 

Chapter 18- …and of fighting for it

 

 **Merlin** wakes up the morning after and for the first time it all feels right, to wake up by Arthur’s side. All the worries seem to have been simply castles of cards which have fallen during the night. Arthur has thrown an arm around his waist and Merlin moves closer, careful not to wake him up. He presses his ear against Arthur’s chest and listens to his heartbeat. He thinks that he won’t let go. He knows that his place is with Arthur. It doesn’t matter if they’re brothers, it simply can’t matter. Merlin trails kisses over Arthur’s skin and smiles as Arthur hugs him and mumbles in his sleep.

 

*

 

It takes time and patience to adjust their lives.

When Arthur and Morgana meet Merlin is afraid that everything will go wrong but instead they spend hours talking, opening themselves up until Arthur simply tells Morgana to shut the hell up and hugs her.

She is the only one to know about them. They’ve to keep it hidden from everyone else. It’s hard at the beginning but they don’t let go. They hold onto what they’ve found again, because that’s what they’ve done over the centuries, because that’s what destiny asks them to do.

 

*

 

The world opens in front of them when they’re finished with university. They spend days sitting in their old room back at home trying to figure out where they can go, where they can build a life for them.

They move out to Edinburgh. They find a flat, it’s small but it’s enough for them. Merlin loves the city and its calmness. He loves how different the sky is over a city which can accept them for what they are. And Arthur loves to see him smile and wake up happy in the morning.

He has known it since the beginning, that he was going to love living with Merlin. They fit perfectly together, their habits slot together without effort and it’s good to be back home and to find Merlin sitting cross-legged on the sofa writing in his old Moleskin.

They have different schedules because Merlin has started to work for a small newspaper while Arthur has decided to continue studying. But they’ve got each other and they’ve a place only for them, where they can kiss and laugh and make love.

No one recognises them when they walk in their neighbourhood or around the city. It makes them feel lighter than the clouds to be able to kiss each other and hug each other whenever they want.

They feel as if they’ve a new land in front of them, a land where they can live without fears.

 

*

 

Merlin feels lucky and he is grateful to the world, to destiny even, because it made it possible for them to never lose each other. He can be himself around Arthur and he loves that he can let his magic flow around the flat. He enjoys Arthur’s smiles as he makes objects fly across the rooms. He loves when Arthur lies on the sofa with his head in his lap and asks him to read something out loud.

 

Sometimes he still feels upset because he knows that many people who have been important for him, like Will and his parents, will never know that he and Arthur are together. People wouldn’t understand if they knew that they were brothers, but Merlin doesn’t care anymore about what people could say. He has decided time ago that other people’s thoughts cannot keep them separated and cannot prevent him from being happy. He thinks it every time that he sees Arthur, every time that they make love.

 

*

 

Once, they’re sitting in their small kitchen. It’s a Sunday morning and they’re both still in their boxers and t-shirts. Merlin thinks that he seems to never get tired of Arthur’s ruffled hair in the morning, of his eyes shining calmly over the brim of the mug. He reaches out, slipping his hand between the coffee pot and the cartoon of milk until it meets Arthur’s. Arthur looks at him.

 

“I promise I’ll always find you.”

 

Merlin knows that probably he has made this promise in each lifetime but it isn’t less true or less felt. Arthur smiles and squeezes his fingers.

They remain silent, Merlin’s magic passing slowly between them, and they know that it is true, that they’ll always manage to find each other because their souls will always look out for their half.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **The past again…**

 **Epilogue**

 

 _You disembark the latest flight from paradise  
You almost turn your ankle on the snow  
You fall back into where you started  
Make up words to songs you used to know  
So..._

 _Alright, I can say what you want me to,  
Alright, I can do all the things you do,  
Alright, I'll make it all up for you,  
I'm still in love with you._

 _Heart- Stars_

 

 

Sometimes Arthur was scared by the weight which destiny had put on his shoulders. To become king of Albion was something which he had never dreamt of before Merlin had come, telling him about destiny and dragons and invincible swords. He had believed in everything that Merlin had told him. He had learnt to do that, to trust Merlin, since the day when he had discovered his lover’s powers. He knew that Merlin would never lie to him, that he would never abandon him. Merlin was his stone and his support. He was by his side as he tried to be a good king as Gwen was queen. They were his companions and his friends.

But, well, Merlin was something more. He was his other half. Arthur was sure of that. Because it hurt to be away from him, because even when they weren’t together he could _sense_ Merlin. Arthur liked to think that that was their special kind of magic.

 

*

 

One of the first things that Arthur did as a king was to abolish his father’s law against magic. The smile on Merlin’s features as he gave him the news made something warm spread along his veins. When they made love that night, Merlin was glowing against the bed sheets. As Arthur sank deep into him he felt as if he was drowning into the moon. His heart jumped into his chest, aching with love and the desire to always keep Merlin there.

 

Sometimes Arthur was taken aback by the way Merlin had become the axis of his world. He was his first thought in the morning and his last thought in the evening. It was what kept him fighting when he was in the middle of a battle, more than the need to protect Camelot, more than honour. It was Merlin, always.

 

*

 

They were both grown up men,  Camelot was at its apex and Arthur had never stopped loving Merlin. Indeed he had come to love him more as they both had been growing up into the men that they were supposed to be. Merlin shone so brightly and Arthur made him his one and only guiding light. Sometimes he would think about the time when they would be separated. It hurt to think about that so he pushed that thought aside most of the time.

 

Once, they were lying on Arthur’s bed. Outside the night was deep and blue. It was raining and the sound of their breaths mixed up with the sound of the raindrops hitting the thick glass of the windows. Merlin was sitting by Arthur’s side, his bare skin seemed almost golden in the light of the candles.

Arthur took Merlin’s hand into his and for an instant he hoped that they could be alive again in a time when he could marry the man whom he loved so much. Merlin turned to look at him and smiled. It was tender and open and it made Arthur want to make love to him again. He cleared his throat and cleared his heart.

 

“Merlin, you’re so special that I’m sure that you’ll be able to transcend time. And with you also my love for you will transcend it.”

 

///

 

Merlin looked at him in silence for a while. His magic unfolded inside of him as the meaning of Arthur’s words sank into him. He leaned forward until they were just few inches away. He took in Arthur’s features, his azure eyes and his firm jaw. He knew the man lying beside him better than himself and yet it was always fascinating to look at his strength, at his depth. Merlin knew perfectly that he would love Arthur till the day of his death, because Arthur was what made him complete. Arthur was more than his destiny, he was his life.

He kissed him gently, moving his lips in a slow dance which Arthur joined.

 

“I promise you that my love will always be yours. My soul will always be with yours.”

 

As Arthur tenderly made love to him, Merlin thought that he only had one desire, to never be separated from Arthur, to keep finding him again and again. He hoped that destiny could grant his wish.

 

*

 

He screamed that same wish the day Arthur died. He screamed and cried his love through the fog; his tears falling on the dry ground. It all felt so incredibly wrong. Destiny couldn’t have planned it, couldn’t have planned to tear apart two halves of the same whole. It was unnatural. It was unfair. Merlin looked at Arthur’s eyes, already clouded by the shadows of a place where he couldn’t accompany him. It broke Merlin’s heart to know that he couldn’t do anything, that he couldn’t bring Arthur back. They simply looked at each other; Arthur’s hand was gripping the fabric of Merlin’s tunic just over his heart. Merlin wanted to say that Arthur would always have his heart, because it simply couldn’t belong to any one else. Instead he leant down and pressed his lips against Arthur’s. They tasted of blood and loss. The moment he realised that that was going to be the last time that he kissed Arthur his magic burst all around, enveloping the both of them.

Arthur’s eyes were full of regret and longing. He cleared his throat and forced out the words.

 

“I…I don’t want to let you go.”

 

Merlin didn’t even try to stop the tears, he let them run and fall on Arthur’s bloodied cheeks. He passed a hand through the dirtied golden strands of his hair. He knew that Arthur would always be his prince, his king, his love. There was nothing that could change that, not even death. He whispered against Arthur’s dry lips, afraid that otherwise the wind could wipe away his words.

 

“You’ve to. But don’t worry, we’ll find each other again, we always will, Arthur.”

 

He tried to suppress the sobs which were shaking his insides but they rolled over Arthur’s pale features anyway. Arthur weakly traced the lines of Merlin’s cheekbone. Merlin leaned into the touch, finding in it the memory of all the touches which they had shared. Merlin kissed the palm of Arthur’s hand. He watched as his king, his destiny, closed his eyes and he gently whispered those words one more time.

 

“I’ll find you, Arthur.”

 

And then he was sure of that, he _knew_ that it would happen and he was ready for it. He was ready to live a thousand lives if it meant finding Arthur again a thousand of times.

Time kept passing, the Earth kept turning around the sun and Merlin’s hand kept reaching out for Arthur’s. It was like their personal dance, their personal kind of magic.

In the end it wasn’t easy to separate two souls when they were two sides of the same coin.


End file.
